Abyssal Armageddon
by Inuyoshie
Summary: Grab your fomicry plantains and get ready for the more bizarre ride of your life! Six lucky contestants of Reality have been tossed into the land of Tales of the Abyss. What could possibly go wrong, right? Right. Romance, chaos, violence- rating may go up
1. Chapter 1: In Which It's All Dist's Faul

From those sick and twisted weirdies that brought you Nameless and Bleached Armageddon comes a new tale… sort of. For those of you who read Bleached Armageddon, this is a sort of continuation sort of re-write. For those of you who don't know about Bleached Armageddon, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT TO GET THIS STORY so don't hit the back button yet. Thank you. For you Tales of the Abyss fans, be warned- this story contains mockeries, insults, bad jokes, bad puns and Ion in a dress. I will be splitting the cannon pretty wide open and making people fall in love. So yes. For those of you who are reading this because you love our lovely six protagonists but don't know about Tales of the Abyss, keep on reading, I've written this for people in real life who don't play the game. Hell, I don't play the game, I just watched the anime and conversed often with people who do.

Anyways, rambling aside, let us begin our lovely story…

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of the Abyss. Kay? Kay. I don't own Bleach either.

Chapter One: In Which It's All Dist's Fault.

If you want to be brutally honest about it, it's all Dist's fault. It always is.

You see, he was in one of those odd mad scientist moods, and got the brilliant idea of creating a fomicry machine that didn't need data to create replicas. Basically a Deus ex Machina in the most literal term- a God in a machine. In normal terms, a shiny piece of machinery that when you pushed a button spat out people. Such a fitting creation for the genius that is Dist the Rose. Or whatever you wish to call him.

So he built this device, all excited and ready to study whatever came out. Would it be horrendous like that thing that once was the Professor, or would it be a perfectly functioning replica like that fool from Kimlasca? There was no real way to tell beforehand. Dist stood ready, and pushed the button.

---

"Mani! Aja! Nikky!" a cute voice exclaimed over the noisy din that is lunch at Normal High. (Yes, that's its name. Don't ask, you really REALLY don't wanna know) an adorable six year old girl with curly tan hair rushed over to one particular table. At this table were four teens- three girls and a boy.

"Sophie –chan!" a blond girl with rectangular glasses squealed, hugging the child.

"Aja, you're making a scene," a reddish-brown haired girl complained.

"So? Nikky, lighten up," another brunette with round glasses sighed. "It's not every day Sophie's kindergarten class gets to come to high school for a concert," The reddish brown haired girl stuck out her tongue.

"Cookies!" Sophie exclaimed.

"Here, have a cookie," Aja gave Sophie a cookie.

"Don't I get one?" the boy whined. Aja rolled her eyes.

"Here Dakota, here Maddie," she said, giving halves of a cookie to the two brunettes.

"Thanks. OH look, Chloe's coming," Maddie said. A bouncing underclassman with curly copper hair came up to the table.

"Heya!" she greeted.

"How are you?" Maddie asked.

"Doing well thank you. What's that annoying humming?" Chloe asked.

"I dunno," Aja murmured, looking around. Was it just her imagination, or did everything look distorted for a minute. "Whatever. Seen any good anime recently?"

"I'm addicted to Tales of Symphonia," Dakota announced. "And Tales of the Abyss and Tales of Phantasia…"

"Someone likes their tales," Nicole remarked.

"Aren't they based off of video games?" Aja asked.

"Yep" Dakota nodded. Maddie wrinkled her nose.

"Ew," she remarked.

"Come ON, there are cute guys there," Dakota gave Maddie a Look. She shrugged.

"Okay- Ow," Maddie clutched her head. That humming was really annoying. Everything seemed to tilt and spin.

"I feel ill," Chloe complained.

"Mani!" Sophie whined. Maddie grabbed her sister and held her close.

"What's happening?" Nicole exclaimed. The world tilted, whirled, turned inside out and right side in again. Strange music could be heard, and everything flashed white. Our five friends + one toddler were squished together in a little container, completely confused and irritated. Just then, Dakota noticed that he was missing the lower half of his body, due to it being composed of little gold dots. Everyone else was in a similar condition, and panicking ensued. A large amount of energy built up, and everything exploded.

Meanwhile, Dist's God Machine blew up.

"DAMMIT!" Dist screamed. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS JADE!"

(Yes. Apparently this was Jade's fault. Who knew?)

Meanwhile on the Tartarus, Jade Curtiss sneezed.

Several large flashes of light shot across the sky and conveniently descended on the giant land machine, one of which landing in Jade's quarters, where he happened to be shaving. (Need I say anything here?)

Jade walked over to the glowing light, intrigued. There was an unusual concentration of fonons in it. The light faded, and left behind a small child.

"Hm…" he remarked, crouching down to examine the little girl more closely.

"HI~" the child giggled. She then frowned. "Where's Mani?"

Inuyoshie's After the Chapter Special!

Inu: Hello all, and welcome to the first chapter of AA!

Gin: What the hell are ya doin', stickin' poor defenseless Sophie with… THAT!

Inu: Now now, that's mean.

Gin: *scowls*

Inu: Right. So, I apologize for any confusion, it's just… this is the first chapter. You know how it is.

Aja: You left it off at a cliffhanger!

Inu: Damn straight.

Luke: When am I going to show up? Huh? I'm the main character!

Inu: Later. Now go away. *waves off*

Maddie: That's mean.

Inu: Whatever. He'll live.

Dakota: This is so freaky… Inu, you have problems.

Inu: That I do.

Aja: Why are you speaking every other line? IT's creepy.

Dakota: Yeah, it is.

Inu: Hah. I didn't do it there.

Aja: Whatever. Anyways… please review, even if it sucks balls.

Inu: Which it does.

Aja: *whacks*

Inu: ABUSE! Please stop the abuse by reviewing thank you?


	2. Chapter 2: In Which Guy Has

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of the Abyss, the lava lamp next to my computer would have a dancing monkey included in it. So there.

Chapter Two: In Which Guy Had a Heart Attack (and dies)

Jade walked over to the g lowing light, intrigued. There was an unusual concentration of fonons in it. The light faded, and left behind a small child.

"Hm…" He remarked, crouching down to examine the little girl more closely.

"Hi~!" the child giggled. She then frowned. "Where's Mani?"

"…Who is that?" Jade asked.

"Who are you/" she replied. Jade sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Annoying teenagers he can handle. Curious little girls… but she came out of a glowing golden ball out of the sky. That piqued Jade's insatiable curiosity.

"I'm Jade," Jade said gently, patting the girl's head.

"Jade? Jade! ~" the girl sang happily, dancing.

"… Alright, now who are you?" Jade asked.

"I'm Sophie!" the girl exclaimed.

"Alright, do you know how you got here?" Jade asked.

Sophie looked up at Jade with wide brown eyes. Her lower lip quivered.

Just then, Jade heard screaming.

--

Aja heard screaming too. She had landed on top of something soft, stayed there for a few seconds then was thrown into a corner- that was probably why she head some screaming. Her head aching, Aja looked down.

She was lying sprawled in the corner of a small room. A blond guy was in the opposite corner, trembling and generally freaking out.

"The fuck?" Aja asked, tilting her head.

"Y-y-your b-b… my f-face…" the guy whimpered. Aja looked down at her rather large bosom innocently, and then sighed.

"I'm not going to hurt you," she assured him.

The door opened and an auburn haired man with red eyes and glasses stuck his head in.

"My my, do we have another strange person?" he remarked. Sophie was with him.

"Aja1" the child exclaimed, running over to the blonde girl.

"Sophie-chan~' Aja squealed, hugging Sophie.

"Aja! Aja! I found Princess Jade!" Sophie exclaimed.

"Eh?" Aja tilted her head. Both guys had weird looks on their faces. Sophie began babbling at a high speed about something and Aja sighed. "I hope Maddie's here, so she can translate,"

"Hm… who is-"

"And who the hell are you Princess?" Aja demanded.

"Jade!" Sophie exclaimed frustrated.

"Okay, what about the Blonde Guy?" Aja carried on before Jade could give his proper title and stuff.

"I-I'm Guy," the blonde replied, standing up. "I thought I saw several gold streaks of light,"

"Hm… we should find them," Jade nodded, glancing at Aja. "So you're Aja?"

"Yeah. Like the continent," Aja nodded.

"I beg your pardon?" Jade blinked.

"…You know, Asia? It has China and Japan and Korea in it?" Aja clarified.

"How curious…" Jade murmured, pushing up his glasses.

"… Why do I have the sinking feeling that you're going to dissect me in my sleep?" Aja remarked nervously.

"Who me? What makes you think I would ever do that?" Jade asked innocently.

"You shouldn't do that Jade, it's just creepy," Guy remarked. Jade laughed. Aja narrowed her eyes, and tugged at Sophie (who was holding Jade's hand cheerfully)

"Come on Soph," she urged.

"I don' wanna~" Sophie replied, cling to Jade's side. Jade sighed, and Aja bored holes into the back of his head.

Oh yes.

This Jade guy… he was going down.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter skit!

Aja: I shall have my vengeance on Jade!

Inu: For doing what?

Aja: … do I need a reason?

Inu: Yes.

Aja: Why?

Inu: Because I say so.

Aja: Rawr.

Inu: Anyways, thank you to all who reviewed… that made me happy. Also… the chapter titles lie.

Aja: Indeed they do. Well, sometimes.

Inu: ON that note, next chapter will be called In Which Dakota Freaks Out.

Aja: Is it true, or a lie? Read on to find out!

Inu: And please drop a review!


	3. Chapter 3: In Which Dakota Freaks Out

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Inuyoshie does not own Tales of the Abyss. Instead, some person who is not Inuyoshie does, and that person who is not Inuyoshie is making a shit load of money right now. This makes Inuyoshie sigh.

Chapter Three: IN Which Dakota Freaks Out.

"Where the fuck is I?" Nicole demanded. Dakota, who lay next to her, sighed.

"How should I know?" he retorted. They seemed to be on the deck of some kind of ship. Dakota got up and leaned over the railing. It was sunny out, and they seemed to be in a sparkly forested stretch of land. A sparkling body of water glistened off in the distance.

"Why does this seem painfully familiar?" Dakota wondered.

"Déjà vu? I thought that was Aja's thing though…" Nicole mused.

"Hey! Who are you?" an annoying voice demanded. A red haired guy wearing a weird shirt thing that needlessly exposed his six pack came out, looking miffed. Dakota stared at him, and suddenly realized why this all looked so familiar.

"Oh shit… it's Tales of the Abyss," he exclaimed.

"The hell?" the red head demanded.

"Dakota… are you okay? You look sorta…"

"Pale? Freaked out? Panic stricken?" Dakota supplied.

"…Yeah," Nicole nodded. "What happened?"

"I don't know," Dakota frowned, turning to the red head. "Do you know what happened?"

"How would I know?" he replied snottily.

"Asshole," Nicole declared. "I remember being in a little capsule…"

"Yeah, Aja, Maddie and Chloe were in there too," Dakota nodded.

"So we should ditch the annoying man-whore and find the others," Nicole nodded.

"I'm not an annoying man-whore!" the red headed guy shouted. "I'm Luke von Fabre! "

"Whatever," Dakota dismissed Luke. He fails anyway. Nicole pulled Dakota aside.

"So… you know about this world we're in?" she whispered.

"Yeah. It's from a video game," Dakota nodded.

"Okay, so who's the one person here I shouldn't piss off?" Nicole hissed urgently.

"Well-"

"Jade! Guy! There you are, these weird people showed up!" Luke exclaimed as Jade, Guy, Aja and Sophie came onto the deck.

"Yeah… him," Dakota nodded.

"Right."

"She called me an annoying man-whore!" Luke whined. Jade chuckled slightly, as did Aja.

"Sounds like Nikky to me," Aja grinned. Sophie giggled. Dakota simply stared at Jade and Guy with an odd mix of terror and curiosity. Jade stared back at Dakota with a cool, calculating glance.

"Weel…"

"And who might you two be?" Jade interrupted.

"Dakota," Dakota replied. "She's Nicole,"

"We should find the others," Nicole nodded.

"There's more?" Guy asked.

"Great," Luke muttered. "And why is that brat here?"

"Hey! Don't be mean to Sophie! She's a weapon of mass destruction!" Aja exclaimed.

"Destroyer of worlds," Dakota nodded.

"That's what he said" Nikki muttered. "… and Devourer of Cute Kittehs!"

"…" Luke burst out laughing after a moment. "That thing? Meiu's scarier than that!" he sneered.

A tall brunette woman came out, with Maddie following shyly.

"Ah Tear, you found another-"

"Sophie!" Maddie exclaimed, cutting Jade off and rushing over to hug the toddler.

"Mani!" Sophie exclaimed, hugging back.

"Well, it seems we found the kid's mother-"

Maddie's head snapped up and fixed Guy with an intense glare.

"Sister. NOT her mother," she said in a cold voice. Guy jumped back.

"Hehe… r-r-ight… Mo- I mean sister! Sister!" Guy stammered. Maddie stood up and sighed.

"So… what exactly is going on?" she asked.

"We'll explain when we get Chloe," Aja replied. "It's getting tedious re-explaining everything!"

"Aah," Maddie nodded.

Around this time there was an explosion could be heard and smoke poured out of a room, as well as Chloe who happened to be on fire.

"HI~" she announced.

"Hi Chloe!" Aja replied.

"…You're on fire," Dakota remarked calmly.

"…So I am," Chloe agreed, equally as calmly.

"Well that's… interesting," Jade remarked, pushing up his glasses. Chloe's fires went out.

"How is that possible?" Guy asked.

"Well, Chloe's always been good with fire," Aja remarked.

"IS this everyone?" Jade asked professionally.

"Yep," Dakota nodded.

"Very well. Follow me…"

Inuyoshie's after the chapter skit

Dakota: I have arrived!

Inu: And all hell breaks out.

Dakota: Well....that's more of Chloe's fault. I mean really… were the pyrotechnics necessary?

Chloe: Yes! Otherwise no one would know what I can do and it would spring up later in a more confusing manner!

Inu: *sighs* Yes indeed, yes indeed.

Aja: *pokes* When's the romance gonna start?

Inu: I can't start it too early, that would be awkward! That and the people I'm having you all romance are kinda…

Chloe: Dense?

Aja: Bizarre?

Nicole: Royal Pricks?

Maddie: Cold hearted?

Dakota: Emotionally unstable?

Inu: XD you guys are amazing.

Aja: … you disturb me Inu.

Inu: As you should Anyways… next chapter! In Which Jade Clones Himself!

Chloe: I still say no one beats Chuck Norris.


	4. Chapter 4: In Which Jade Clones Himself

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of the Abyss, my parents wouldn't have to sell stuff at a farmer's market to pay the bills. T-T

Chapter Four: In Which Jade Clones Himself

So, the whole group of teenagers, toddlers, military personnel, secret nobles, obvious nobles, hymnists and a cheagle trooped over to a large room with a table on it.

"Do sit down," Jade said in a frighteningly pleasant voice. Our lovely protagonists complied, with Dakota watching Jade warily. He didn't like the colonel's tone of voice. Of course, this wary glance didn't escape Jade, who noted it with scientific interest.

(Guy and Tear were also interested in these bizarre people, Luke didn't give a damn and Meiu was cute, in case you were wondering.)

"So, who are you all exactly?" Jade began.

"Your worst nightmare," Nicole replied.

"I don't have nightmares," Jade told Nicole cheerfully, giving off creepy waves.

"Nicole!" Maddie exclaimed.

"What?" Nicole replied.

"Please try to avoid death! Thank you," Maddie hissed, hugging Sophie.

"Okay okay… I'm Aja, the crazy violent one is Nicole, that's Chloe, Maddie, Sophie and Dakota," Aja announced.

"Where are you from?" Jade continued.

"Not here," Dakota replied.

"Well duh," Luke snorted.

"Sheboygan, Wisconsin," Maddie supplied.

"Like I said, not here," Dakota added.

"That is curious," Jade murmured, cogs a-whirl in his smarticle head. "What's the last thing you remember seeing?"

"The lunch room…" Aja nodded.

"There was an annoying humming," Chloe remarked.

"And then boom! We were in a weird machine thing," Maddie explained.

"We were all floaty too," Aja added.

"Yup," Nicole grinned.

"Hm… is there anything else?" Jade asked. Dakota looked slightly uneasy.

"No," he muttered. Jade narrowed his eyes.

"The more you tell me-"

"Wait! The machine had a window and I saw a weird guy!" Nicole added suddenly.

"What did he look like?" Dakota asked.

"… Gay. Really, _really_ gay," Nicole announced.

"Now now, we shouldn't presume," Maddie chided. "Perhaps he's highly effeminate,"

"Nu uh. He had flower_ petals_ around his head," Nicole told Maddie flatly. "Flower petals! You'd have to have implants to be gayer!"

"… That sounds like Dist," Luke remarked. Jade gave a knowing sigh, and then glanced at Dakota.

"I believe there is something you all are not telling me?" Jade stated/questioned/stared into Dakota's soul with a stare that could melt puppies.

"… alright… where we come from, there is a video game like this," Dakota admitted.

"A…what?"

"It's a kind of virtual reality game," Dakota explained. "It's really complicated,"

"Yup. It rots your brains," Maddie added.

"Yes, but the graphics are amazing," Dakota told her. Jade frowned.

"So you know about this world, but from a game?" he asked.

"Yeah. The others don't play it," Dakota nodded. "So they don't' know,"

"How much do you know?" Guy asked.

"You're afraid of women because of a traumatic experience," Dakota replied. "I could go into more detail, but I don't think you would appreciate it," Guy nodded gratefully.

"Yeah," He said.

"The others don't know anything about it though?" Tear asked.

"Nope," Aja replied.

"We're totally clueless," Chloe added.

"I see," Jade murmured, running options through his head.

"This is stupid," Luke announced. A door opened and two short people came in- one a girl and one who looks/ dresses/ sounds like a girl but really is male (we think).

"And these are…?" Aja asked Dakota.

"That's Fon Master Ion and his... guardian? Yeah, Anise," Dakota nodded.

"Awww!" Aja cooed.

"Who are these people?" Anise asked.

"…we're going to have to explain everything over again, aren't we?" Nicole complained.

" Okay, the short version is we're all from another dimension but Dakota knows all about you guys 'cuz he's special like that and we were brought here by an awesome gay guy with a shiny machine that we blew up with our awesomeness," Aja announced. "Any questions?"

"Gay guy?" Ion blinked.

"Dist," Jade supplied. "However I don't know about the awesome part…"

"Shiny machine?" Anise blinked.

"Dunno. We came, we saw, we blew shit up," Dakota replied.

"It could be a fomicry machine that went haywire," Tear suggested.

"Fomicry doesn't bring people in from other worlds though," Ion pointed out.

"Well, we have no actual way to prove that… possibly Dist screwed up worse than usual," Jade mused.

"Fomicry…" Aja blinked.

"Cloning," Dakota answered.

"Cloning… " Maddie whistled. "Damn…"

"Yeah. Unethical and illegal," Dakota nodded.

"I'd imagine," Maddie agreed. "But think of all the people it could save…"

"Not how it's used here," Dakota shook his head.

"God complex?" Aja asked hopefully.

"Yup," Dakota nodded.

"I want a guy," Nicole remarked suddenly.

"A gun? Why do you need a gun?" Guy asked.

"To shoot people," Nicole replied simply.

"…"

"Only enemies! "She added hurriedly. "Really,"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Jade remarked. Nicole made a puppy dog face at Jade, who simply pushed up his glasses creepily. "Emperor Peony's begging face is better,"

"Go fuck yourself," she muttered.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that's physically impossible," Jade replied deadpan.

"Well if you cloned yourself-"

"Let's not," Dakota cut Aja off. "The world would blow up with two Jades,"

"Indeed it would," Jade sighed.

"What should we do with them?" Anise asked.

"The Jades? We could have them fight each other to the death," Nicole suggested. "Total celebrity death match,"

"I believe she was referring to you all," Jade remarked. "I'd like to stop in Grand Chokmah first and pick up some information on something related to this,"

"I suppose that works- it won't take too long," Ion nodded.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter special

Inu: Yes, I'm messing up the plot. I didn't realize I was messing up the plot until I had written half of the good stuff in Grand Chokmah, so… it stays. Deal.

Aja: Wow… you're cranky today.

Inu: Meh. Clean up a bunch of leaves in your backyard and see how you like it.

Aja: True.

Nicole: Rawr! I thought I was Jade's worst nightmare! That saddens me.

Dakota: No no, Jade doesn't get nightmares, nightmares get Jades.

Chloe: No! Jade can't replace Chuck Norris!

Jade: …who is this Chuck Norris person and why am I replacing him?

Maddie: Sometimes, you just need to learn to not ask with this group.

Jade: Ah.

Inu: Anyways… next chapter-

Aja: Waaaait! The chapter title said Jade would clone himself and he didn't! What the hell?

Inu: You said it yourself… the chapter titles lie.

Aja: Damn you.

Inu: Anyways…. Next chapter! In Which Aja Has A Vision!


	5. Chapter 5:In Which Aja Has A Vision

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss. Its true owner is actually my kitten. He just chooses to be anonymous.

Chapter Five: In Which Aja Has A Vision

"Hey!" Luke announced.

"What?" Aja asked.

"Don't I get a say in this? I don't want to go to Grand Chokmah!" Luke complained.

"No." Aja told him crossly.

"I'm the ambassador!" Luke exclaimed.

"That means nothing- for all you know I'm the queen of England," Aja informed Luke.

"God Save the Queen~" Maddie sang.

"Pshh," Aja muttered, turning away and hugging herself tightly.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Luke demanded, poking Aja. She rocked slightly, but gave no response.

"… Is she alright?" Guy asked worriedly. Nicole turned to Maddie, who frowned.

"Autistic," Nicole reported. "How bad?"

"IT's like she's closed a door to a room I can't get at," Maddie muttered, kneeling by Aja and hugging the girl, who was mumbling something under her breath.

"What is she talking about?" Anise asked.

"Maddie has a knack for… like, emotional stuff," Nicole replied. "Is it that déjà vu thing?"

"I'd guess, brought on by the change in environment and her conflict with Luke," Maddie replied. "Ashi… can you hear me?"

"K-kinda…" Aja's voice sounded far off, and kinda scared. She clutched her head and moaned in pain. "It hurts so much…"

"It's okay Aja, you're here with us-"

"It's like someone's singing… but it's so loud I can't hear anything!" Aja cut Maddie off. "Stupid music… there are people talking… they've got Sophie… I wanna know what they're saying…"

"Can she describe them?" Jade asked, walking over and standing near Aja, monitoring her fonon levels. She had intense amounts of the seventh fonon swarming around her head and chest, and it seemed like Maddie was somehow redirecting their flow.

"Ashi, what do they look like?" Maddie asked gently.

"… There's a really fugly guy," Aja mumbled. "And a really hot lady with guns..."

"…"

"And that one guy was there," Aja mumbled. "With Dakota… he looks kinda annoyed, but I think he always looks like that. And the man… with a pointy shirt… damn, that thing looks like it could hurt someone… he's a bastard don't trust him… nnn…" Aja sat up, blinking, the episode apparently over.

"Are you okay?" Maddie asked.

"… I get little flashes, and my head hurts… but it's okay," Aja nodded. There was a silence, broken by Jade coughing.

"Does this… happen often?" he asked.

"Kinda, but rarely this badly…"

"Or in such detail… it was like WOW! I wonder if that's what being on LSD is like," Aja remarked. "But yeah… random flashes of precognition happens with me,"

"Wow…" Anise remarked, impressed. Ion, Guy and Tear were too.

"Meh. The Score is less cryptic," Luke snorted. Aja glared at him.

"Hm… so you spontaneously combust, you have precognitive abilities and you…" Jade frowned at Maddie, who shrugged.

"Uh… I affect emotions a little, not much and it's really useless-"

"Maddie manipulates emotions," Aja cut Maddie's rant off. "We're odd,"

"Obviously," Luke muttered. "Your stupid vision was so vague… who the hell is the pointy shirt guy? And the guy with the guns you thought was hot-"

"Lady with the guns." Aja corrected Luke.

"B-but you're a girl! Girl's don't like girls…" Luke trailed off. Jade sighed, shaking his head.

"Aah, so naïve," he chuckled. Luke was completely confused, but that's okay. Tear frowned.

"Wait- would the random pile of… possessions that appeared in my room have anything to do with this?" she asked.

"…probably," Dakota nodded.

"Let's go get your stuff1" Nicole exclaimed. The protagonists all trooped out.

"What the hell do we do with them?" Luke demanded.

"I would like to study them," Jade replied calmly.

"I'm sure…" Tear nodded. "Perhaps we can leave them in Grand Chokmah,"

"As long as they don't cause too much trouble," Jade nodded. "I have concerns about that Nicole girl…"

"Yeah… perhaps you should interview them? To make sure that they're psychologically stable," Guy suggested.

"That is a good idea…" Jade agreed. Luke moped in a corner because he was being left out.

Get used to it buddy.

MOPEDS

Inuyoshie's after the chapter cheese

Inu: Yo!

Luke: Why are you so cruel to me?

Aja: Why are you such an asshole!

Dakota: Just wait until later, he gets all emo

Luke: What?

Inu: Dakota! No spoilers!

Dakota: DAwww…

Inu: At least wait until Jade is around so he can analyze them.

Jade: Indeed.

Maddie: See?

Aja: Precisely. So Inu… next chappie?

Inu: Yes… In Which Maddie Explodes!

Maddie: BOOM!


	6. Chapter 6:In Which Maddie Explodes Boom

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of the Abyss. All claims to Tales of the Abyss go to someone who is not me.

Chapter Six: In Which Maddie Explodes. Boom.

"My cookie!" Aja exclaimed, running over to her backpack, which indeed had a chocolate chip cookie on it.

"My reaper!" Maddie exclaimed, getting her purse. Why she calls it that… well, that's an interesting story I choose not to delve into at the current moment.

"My physics homework!" Nicole exclaimed.

"You actually did it?" Maddie asked.

"Yeah! For once I did it, and now I can't turn it in because my teacher is in another dimension!" Nicole ranted.

"Yeah..."

A sudden cloud of depression descended on the group.

"Hey! I still have my cookie too," Dakota announced suddenly.

"…"

"I don't have a cookie," Chloe remarked.

"I won't be able to take my classes any more!" Aja whined.

"I'm trapped in a video game," Dakota complained.

"I don't know what the fuck is going on!" Nicole retorted.

"Well, knowing everything is weird," Dakota replied.

"So? You know what to say, and what not to say!" Nicole snapped.

"I have to censor myself!" Dakota growled.

"Get over it!"

"Nicole, quite being such a bitch," Aja added.

"Shove it Aja! You're no better!"

"Everybody…" Maddie trailed off as Dakota, Nicole and Aja argued. Chloe looked pissed off.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Maddie yelled. "… You know what? Never fucking mind!" with that Maddie sniffed and stalked outside. The fighting lessened some, and Maddie stepped back in, breathing deeply.

"I'm sorry…" she began. "I'm really-"

"We're all pissed, but we need to chill," Chloe broke off Maddie's traditional sorry rant.

'Yeah. It will be okay, as long as we stick together," Maddie added.

"Neeh…" Nicole muttered.

"You'll get to turn in your homework, don't worry," Maddie told her, passing out feel-good vibes.

"Maddie… that's just creepy," Dakota announced. The door opened and Jade stuck his head in.

"Ah, I see you all are alive. The sudden silence after all that yelling made me curious if you all killed each other," he said cheerfully.

"That would make life easier for you, wouldn't it?" Nicole muttered. Jade chuckled.

"Quite. Now that you all are settled-"

"We are?"

"- I will be interviewing you all," Jade finished, ignoring Chloe's interruption. "Starting with Nicole I believe?"

"Whatever," She replied, following Jade out of the room.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter shizz

Inu: Sorry about the shortness…

Dakota: Meh. Banana.

Maddie: Cloning?

Dakota: Banana

Maddie: Cloning?

Dakota: Banana

Maddie Cloning.

Dakota: Banana.

Inu: Cloning banana!

Aja: Nummy! So is that like… uh, I dunno, something you eat and then you get cloned?

Dakota: That sounds like some bizarre form of fontech or something.

Maddie: Yeah… a cloning banana…

Chloe: What about a fomicry banana?

Dakota: No… we need another name for banana…

Aja: Plantain?

Maddie: Yeah. Fomicry Plantain. That's like the Cloning Banana's evil twin cousin or something.

Inu: And thus, the Fomicry Plantain and the Cloning Banana were born. I even drew them in the margin… along with a pineapple, a cocoanut and some cherries.

Maddie: Why?

Inu: Because the cloning banana needed friends.

Aja: Don't we all… anyways, next chapter will be In Which Nicole Bitches and Chloe Bubbles

Inu: Indeed… so review, and get a piece of Cloning Banana!

Dakota: Or Fomicry Plantain, if you're so inclined.

Inu: Indeed.


	7. Chapter 7: In Which Nicole and

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of the Abyss, Luke wouldn't be as much of an ass. What can I say? I find it difficult to create asshole characters that survive the story.

Chapter Seven: IN Which Nicole Bitches and Chloe Bubbles

"So you are Nicole," Jade began, writing some.

"Obviously," Nicole replied. Jade inwardly sighed a little (young people and their failures at sarcasm) and jotted something down.

"That wasn't a failure at sarcasm!" Nicole defended herself. Jade blinked.

"I do not recall saying anything to that affect-"

"Oh hell… it's worse here," Nicole growled, face-palming. Jade raised an eyebrow.

"IF you could explain that would be greatly appreciated," he remarked. Nicole glared at him.

"You're annoying… you don't shut up. You're always… thinking about shit," she muttered.

"Well, if I were to stop my brain function-"

"Don't. Care." Nicole cut off Jade's L-like comment. Jade sighed, glancing at his notes.

"So I assume you have some form of mind reading skills, am I correct?" he asked.

"Yeah, so it would seem," Nicole agreed.

"You did not have those powers before you came here," Jade remarked, half a question and half a comment.

"Kinda. Like, I could guess what people were thinking, but this is very… definite," Nicole murmured, her tone softening. "I could quote your thoughts directly and I could _actually see_ that nice professor's face-

"That's all quite interesting," Jade interrupted, scribbling down notes. "Do you have any chronic illnesses I should be aware of?"

"If I had any, why should I tell you?" Nicole demanded her harsh tone back.

"Well, I'll have to assume whatever you have is contagious and drop you off the side of the Tartarus as a basic precaution," Jade replied calmly. Nicole scowled.

"I don't have any illnesses," she announced.

"Not even a mental illness? Sociopathy? Mania-"

"Just because I like shooting things doesn't mean I'm mentally ill," Nicole growled. "I'm not a threat to you all,"

"If you are lying I will have no choice but to detain you, by force if needed," Jade said seriously, looking Nicole straight in the eye.

"I know, I know. I'm not stupid," Nicole replied. Jade pushed up his glasses.

"Very well then. Now, please bring in another subject," he commanded in a tone that seemed polite to anyone who didn't know Jade. Luckily, Nicole wasn't one of those people, so she took off without attempting to jab at Jade and Chloe came in afterwards.

"Hi~"

"Hello there, do seat yourself," Jade told her. Chloe did so, and Jade opened up a new page in his notebook.

"Name?"

"Chloe,"

"Age?"

"Fifteen,"

"I see. And your ability involves fire…"

"Yup!"

"Could you demonstrate this ability?" Jade asked.

"Uh… sure?" Chloe held out her hands and they burst into flames. Slowly the messy flames congregated and formed a neat ball in the center of her cupped hands. Jade wrote down notes rapidly, noting the fluctuation of fonons around her. Chloe then dispersed the flames and Jade nodded.

"Useful," he remarked. "Are there limits? Side-effects?"

"I don't know, I've never really done this sort of thing before," Chloe replied.

"But before you came here you had some degree of control?" Jade questioned.

"Yeah… it's kinda like instinct I think," Chloe mused. "And I'm not the type of person to go all supernova on everyone,"

"As I can see," Jade nodded, making some more notes about her disturbingly cheery disposition. "Very well, that is all. Please bring the next subject in,"

Inuyoshie's after the chapter junk

_Dearest Beloved,_

_ How are you doing this fine evening? Above lays the seventh chapter of Abyssal Armageddon, the love and joy of my writing career. I do hope that it has met your hopes and wishes…_

_Our lovely protagonists send their wishes. Aja would like to convey once again that she is lesbian and is getting quite annoyed with my constant insistence on pairing her with one of the male gender. Nicole would like to convey that she wants a gun, which may happen in the near future, depending on how Nicole plays her cards. Speaking of cards, Dakota would like to solve the final showdown of this story with a children's card game… honestly, I don't know what he is talking about or why he is speaking with a British accent. I do believe that You Tube has something to do with this phenomenon. Chloe give all reading this letter a large and flaming hug (and when I say flaming I truly mean flaming) and Maddie says 'Hi'. Also, Sophia's soul stealing abilities have finally been honed, so now she is a proper weapon of mass destruction. Hopefully no one unpleasant will kidnap her._

_Within the next chapter of Abyssal Armageddon Colonel Jade Curtiss of the Mighty Malkuth Empire continues his Very Important Interviews and Aja has a lovely epiphany. I thank all of my loyal fans for their reviews, and do hope that you drop some more._

_With love,_

_Inuyoshie._


	8. Chapter 8:In Which Aja Has An Epiphany

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: All things serve the Beam.

Chapter 8: In Which Aja Has An Epiphany

Maddie and Sophie walked into the room carefully. Well, Maddie did, because she is shy and Jade reminded her of her grade school principal (even though that principal was a woman) which put Maddie on edge.

"Relax, I'm not going to hurt you," Jade remarked once Maddie sat down.

"Sorry," Maddie muttered out of reflex.

"It's quite alright. You are Maddie and Sophie, correct?" Jade asked, writing things down.

"That is correct,"

"And you are siblings, not mother and daughter?"

"Yes. If Sophie was my daughter, I'd have to have been eleven when I was pregnant," Maddie wrinkled her nose. Jade chuckled lightly.

"Stranger things have happened," he pointed out.

"True," Maddie nodded.

"So, your powers involve handling emotions… manipulating them?" Jade inquired.

"…Yeah," Maddie nodded. "And interpreting them,"

"Really?" Jade asked.

"Yes. Like you're like a bowl of water with the water frozen on top," Maddie began, her dark brown eyes staring into Jade's intently. "The waters under the ice are choppy, but not stormy. Just choppy, enough to rock your boat, but you either ignore it or have forgotten how to express it,"

Jade blinked at Maddie's intensity, and wrote something down.

"I take it you're very abstract minded then?" he remarked after a bit.

"Not very… that's more Aja. I'm fairly right brain, but I have interests in left brain activities," Maddie sighed.

"Left brain activities such as…"

"Medicine mainly." Maddie finished. Jade nodded.

"That fits. The human body is fascinating," he mused.

"That it is," Maddie agreed. Jade pushed up his glasses and started a new sheet.

"The others seem to have more offensive powers but yours seem very…"

"Useless?"

"I wouldn't say useless… more, defensive," Jade shook his head. "Do you have any combat skills?"

"… No, not really," Maddie remarked, shame leaking in her voice. "I mean, I can punch someone in the face, but any old drunkard can do that,"

"Hm…" Jade wrote something down.

"It's not like they let kids like me have weapons back at home," Maddie added.

"Nicole-"

"Nicole's a weird case; her family has been shooting things for years. They hunt, they shoot trap… Aja's always been interested in swords and stuff and her relatives can buy such things for her… Chloe's well… Chloe; and Dakota is more likely to outthink his opponent." Maddie sighed. "What do I do? I make people feel happy or sad."

Jade frowned, scribbling down more notes as he did so.

"Do you have a basic knowledge of the human body?" he asked, not looking up.

"Of course," Maddie replied instantly. "I used to read The Encyclopedia of the Human Body for fun when I was a kid,"

"Hm," Jade nodded, and then turned to Sophie. "What of her?"

"… Well, she's six, in kindergarten-"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Ah… the first level of schooling," Maddie clarified. "No wait- the second, counting preschool. She knows her colours, some numbers, her letters… she can kinda read, and we're working on that,"

'I see," Jade nodded. "And… what is with this 'Princess' business?"

"Sophie?" Maddie asked her sister. Sophie giggled and explained something rapid fire to Maddie, who nodded, smiled, snickered, frowned, glanced at Jade nervously, shook her head at and finally sighed.

"Okay… at home we have a pet ferret named Jade. Sweet thing she is, but Sophie thinks that you are Jade the ferret, only who's been turned into a human… and you have to find your 'Prince Charming' so that you can retain your ferret form and you and your prince will go back to… what was it? Oh yes, Ferretopia and live happily ever after the end." Maddie explained.

Jade had his face in his hand, trying not to show his mixture of laughter and embarrassment. Maddie felt these two emotions though and flushed too.

"Uh...should I leave?" she asked. Jade waved noncommitedally and Maddie escorted Sophie out. A few minutes later, Jade stepped out.

"Next?"

Aja stood up and walked in.

"You're Aja, correct?"

"That's right princess," Aja replied. Jade twitched.

"Ahem yes. And you have precognitive abilities,"

"Yup," Aja nodded. "It sucks,"

"It seems very useful to me," Jade remarked.

"Nope. It's a pain in the ass. And besides, do you realize how bad you look in a bathrobe? I saw that too… and other things…" Aja shuddered.

"  
Then don't look," Jade chuckled. Aja glared.

"I didn't want to," she informed him.

"Ah yes. I believe you mentioned that you were homosexual-"

"I'm bisexual," Aja corrected.

"I'll warn Tear and Anise," Jade remarked. Aja rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. What do you want to know?"

"Are you predictions concrete?" Jade asked. "AS in-"

"I know what you mean, and no they can change," Aja replied. Jade wrote something down.

"How interesting. Have you heard of the Score?" he asked.

"Nu uh. What is that?" Aja asked.

"It's a record of the planet's memory, it shows what will happen in the future… that is a watered down version, you can ask Fon Master Ion to clarify if you wish," Jade explained.

"Huh. Weird," Aja nodded.

"So. You are autistic?" Jade changed the subject.

"Yeah, I'm high functioning. I only go autistic when there's too much shit going on, or I get a major vision," Aja replied. "Usually Maddie can pull me out,"

"Hm. And she said her ability was useless," Jade sighed, writing something down.

"Meh," Aja muttered. There was a silence.

Suddenly, Aja gasped.

"Yes?" Jade asked.

"I just realized something… I have boobs!" Aja explained.

"… yes, yes you do," Jade replied, and interesting look on his face.

"No seriously! I can get anything with this!" Aja explained.

"Dually noted- Aja has boobs," Jade replied, writing this down carefully. Aja scowled.

"You're making fun of me," she muttered.

"Who me? I'm being perfectly serious," Jade replied deadpan.

"Whatever. I'm getting the Suicide Hotline," Aja announced.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter junk

Yo.

Sorry for the boring chapter. Well… it was boring until Aja started talking about her boobs. Why? Because boobs make everything better. Indeed indeed.

Aja: I thought this was supposed to be a skit!

Inu: Meh. All things serve The Beam.

Aja: Stop quoting Stephen King dammit!

Inu: Whatever. Anyway… next chapter will be In Which Dakota and Jade Have a Pwn Battle!

And remember: Blaine the Train is a Pain. And that's the truth.


	9. Chapter 9:In Which Dakota and Jade

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Actually, I'm Steve Jobs in disguise. So I own Apple, but not Tales of the Abyss.

Chapter Nine: In Which Dakota And Jade Have A Pwn Battle

"Dakota, right?"

"Yep," the boy sat down.

"Otherwise known as Suicide Hotline?" Jade asked.

"Yeah. It's what I do," Dakota replied.

"Right. And you know about this place?" Jade asked.

"Yes,"

"How much?"

"Too much."

"There's no such thing as knowing too much."

"Would you consider fomicry knowing too much?"

"Perhaps. It depends on what you did with it,"

"True," Dakota nodded.

"Back to the question- how much do you know?"

"Enough to get me in trouble,"

"That's why I'm asking,"

"I don't give out spoilers,"

"You don't have to,"

"You'll ask eventually,"

"True," Jade nodded. "Do you know what Mohs is planning?"

"Yep,"

"Then tell me,"

"Why?"

"It will help us,"

"What if I don't want to?"

"I don't have time to deal with petulant teenage boys,"

"You dealt with Aja,"

"She's a girl,"

"So you'd rather deal with girl teenagers than boy ones? Ew pedophile," Dakota remarked. Jade simply smiled. "You know you're over twice her age and the wrong gender,"

"Your mockery of my age wounds this old man's heart,"

"You have a heart? I thought that glacier in your chest was what causes Ketterberg's cool climate,"

"Well that's original,"

"Perhaps-"

Just then, the door burst open, and Anise ran in.

"Jade… we need you,"

High pitched cackling could be heard in the distance.

"Oh dear…" Dakota remarked.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter Ice Cream

Dakota: I declare victory.

Jade: That battle was unresolved.

Dakota: Pshaw admit it- I pwned you!

Jade: 'Pwned'? That's not even a word.

Inu: Actually it is- spell check takes it.

Jade: Spell check also takes Grand Chokmah, and I'm fairly sure that that word is not in your dictionaries.

Inu: Meh, that's just a testament as to how amazing I am.

Jade: *sighs*

Aja: So what's with the cackling?

Inu: XD… you'll find out. Next chapter: In Which Insanity Ensues


	10. Chapter 10: In Which Insanity Ensues

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: You know what? I have a nice squishy chair that's ten times cooler than Dist's, but I still don't own Tales of the Abyss. One day…

Chapter Ten: In Which Insanity Ensues.

"This is boring," Aja announced as Dakota entered for his interview.

"Yeah," Chloe agreed, walking around on the deck of the Tartarus.

"Something happen," Nicole demanded.

Then- something happened. Amazing! A large cloud of flying things approached, as well as a marvelously fruity flying chair that would be painfully familiar to Dakota had he not been in the middle of a pwn battle with Jade at the time.

"Holy shit! It's the fugly guy!" Aja exclaimed as they got closer, pointing to our lovely pal Largo the Black Lion, who was riding one of the flying things. (What the hell are those anyway? Chimeras? Hippogriffs? Ligers? One eyed one horned flying purple people eaters?)

"And it's the gay guy!" Nicole added, pointing to Dist. "And some other random dude who looks like the Annoying Man Whore!" Asch twitched.

"I'm not an Annoying Man Whore!" Luke shouted.

"You know, they actually have names," Anise remarked, sweat dropping.

"… So?" Aja, Nicole and Chloe asked at once.

"We're under attack!" Guy announced, because someone had to say it.

"Those things look like flying monkeys…" Chloe remarked.

"What do you all want?" Luke demanded in typical 'I'm the good guy listen to me' fashion.

"I want my creations back!" Dist shouted back, surprisingly monologue free. (Largo said that if Dist began monologue-ing he'd get stuck on liger clean up duty)

"… Your… what?" Tear blinked.

"Yeah, usually they want Ion," Anise added.

"Well, we want him too-"

"YAOI!" Aja randomly screamed.

"Don't interrupt me!" Dist screeched, pointing at Aja.

"What do you mean creations?" Tear asked again, being one of the few sane people.

"Them!" Dist waved a gloved hand at our lovely protagonists.

"Oh. You can have them," Luke shrugged.

"LUKE!" Tear shot the replica a Look that brained him.

"Ow! What? They're annoying!" Luke defended himself.

Suddenly the weird things began spontaneously combusting as Chloe danced around and hummed the Wicked Witch of the West theme.

"Um hello… we're under attack…?" Guy asked.

"Asch! Go deal with the spontaneous combustion!" Largo announced. Asch grumbled.

"Fine," he said dully, jumping over by Chloe and drawing his sword. Chloe ignored him, continuing to dance. "Hello girl? I'm supposed to be fighting you,"

"Hi~" Chloe replied, grabbing Asch's arms and beginning to dance with him.

"What are you doing?" Asch demanded.

"Dancing," Chloe replied.

"…Why?" Asch demanded.

"Because-"

"Everyone's ignoring me!" Dist yelled angrily, doing a little dance in his chair.

"Mister Flower Man, do you have to go potty?" Sophie asked in a totally adorable voice. Dist turned a bright red.

"Shut up! I do not you brat!" he screeched.

"Uh he won't shut up," Aja muttered.

"Yeah… where's Jade when you need him?" Anise asked. Dist's head perked up (kinda like a dog's or a ferret's when you shake the treat bag)

"Jade?" he asked hopefully.

"… creepy," Aja announced.

"I thought you liked yaoi," Maddie pointed out. Aja blinked.

"Wait… that's a guy?" Aja asked.

"Yes. Dist's male," Anise confirmed.

"Barely," Luke muttered.

"I heard that you reject!" Dist howled.

"Suck it!" Nicole shouted. "I want a gun!"

"Where's Jade?" Luke wandered.

"He's in an enclosed room with Dakota. Alone." Nicole grinned creepily.

"…"

"…"

"…I'll go get him," Anise announced.

"Aren't we supposed to be fighting?" Guy asked.

Give up Guy…

Inuyoshie's After the Chapter Aneurism

Inu: *dies*

Luke: Finally! I can escape this madness!

Grimmjow: No, that's what I thought, and man… I was wrong.

Luke: Holy shit where did you come from?

Grimmjow: Las Noches, you stupid human man whore-

Luke: Not you too! Damn you!

Nikky: Yaay Grimmy! *huggles*

Grimmjow: Meh, you're not my woman anymore. You're some other guy's woman…

Luke: I wonder who…

Inu: I LIVE!

Luke: What?

Grimmjow: See?

Luke: How the hell did you do that?

Inu: Dude. The Fomicry Plantain cures all.

Jade: … should I be concerned?

Grimmjow: You weren't before?

Aja: Aaaany way: Next chapter is: In Which Dist Flirts.

Jade: *face palms* Why Inuyoshie, why?

Inu: Because I can! *insert evil cackling here*


	11. Chapter 11: In Which Dist Flirts

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: My white chocolate bunny ate Tales of the Abyss, so I still don't own it.

Chapter 11: In Which Dist Flirts

"Oh dear," Dakota remarked. Jade rubbed his temples.

"That man…"

"Nicole needs a gun," Anise added.

"No," Dakota replied.

"But I can shoot stuff!" Nicole yelled from the chaos. "Like the Irritating Flying GirlyMan!"

"What the hell? Why does Dist get a cooler name than I do?" Luke demanded.

"Because you're a dreck!" Asch replied from his dancing.

"Couldn't you at least give me a gorgeous name… like the Magnificent Floating Genius-"

"Hell. No." Nicole cut Dist off, shaking her head. "Gimme a gun so I can shoot his fruity ass,"

"Shooting Dist wouldn't make much of a difference," Jade sighed. " He won't leave… or give up on anything even when it's obvious he should… and due to his abnormally high tenacity a gunshot to the head may not even kill him,"

"… Aha! I've got it!" Dakota exclaimed.

"Another epiphany?" Jade replied.

"Yep! I know why Dist won't die! It's because to die means you'd have to give up on life and since Dist doesn't give up on anything…"

"Too true," Jade nodded with another sigh. "It would seem that you have revealed one of life's more mediocre mysteries,"

"It's not mediocre!" Dist exclaimed. "And I don't not give up on anything!"

"… I think you just raped the English language there," Maddie pointed out. "That was painful to listen to,"

"Typical," Jade remarked, glancing over to Asch who was dancing with Chloe, with a disturbed look on his face.

"Well, this is interesting," Jade remarked.

"This is not working!" Largo announced. "Retreat!"

"B-but-"

"Enough flirting with Jade Dist," he growled.

"I'm NOT FLIRTING!" Dist yelled, reddening. "Talk to Asch, he's the one who's flirting!"

"I'm not flirting! It's non-consensual!" Asch retorted.

"You make it sound like she's raping you," Maddie pointed out. Asch glared at her and moved away from Chloe before jumping on one of the few flying things that wasn't charbroiled and put on a burger at McDonalds a dimension away.

"That was… odd," Guy remarked.

"I agree," Tear nodded.

Jade pushed up his glasses, looking around.

"What was that all about?" he asked.

"I don't know," Luke replied.

"Dist called our new companions his 'creations'," Tear added. Jade frowned, as did Dakota.

"We're not!" he exclaimed.

"Yep. We were born the conventional way," Aja added.

"Condom broke,"

"Spermicide was defective,"

"Birth control didn't work,"

"I'm pretty sure my mom was on her period,"

"Is that even medically possible?"

"… I don't know,"

"Anyways, no test tubes here," Chloe giggled.

"Hm…" Jade murmured, thinking and walking off the bridge.

"Stupid fuck," Nicole announced.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter drugs

Chloe: Hey, you got the stuff?

Inu: That depends, you got the money?

Chloe: Hells yeah. Now gimme the stuff.

Inu: *hands over yaoi*

Jade: … do I even want to know?

Maddie: Nope. This is actually fairly common.

Aja: Yaoi is good for you.

Dakota: Yaoi is a drug.

Luke: Yaoi?

Tear: Yes… what is yaoi?

Aja: Yaoi is this… *pulls out a picture of Jade and Dist making out*

Luke: OH MY GOD MY EYES!

Tear: … That's just… wrong…

Guy: I think a part of me just died.

Jade: … I am highly disturbed.

Aja: Wanna know the best part?

Anise: What?

Aja: I got it from Maddie's backpack.

Maddie: o///o NO YOU DID NOT! RAAAAAAAAH! * tackles*

Jade: *adjusts glasses* Well then…

Inu: Yaay for yaoi.

Aja: Yaoi next chapter?

Inu: I don't think so. Next chapter is In Which Our Lovely Protagonists Level UP.


	12. Chapter 12: In Which Our Lovely

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: People who think I own Tales of the Abyss will be pwned by my personal army of dollics.

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or the Dollics. Really.

Chapter 12: In Which Our Lovely Protagonists Level Up

Nicole was very happy.

One may ask 'why is Nicole very happy?' or even better 'where is the nearest bullet-proof room?'

Yes indeed, Nicole had a gun. Actually, she had two.

"Why do I get the sinking feeling that this is a bad idea?" Guy asked.

"Because it is!" Luke retorted.

"Oh don't worry, I don't waste my bullets on stupid man-"

"Be nice," Maddie ordered, whacking Nicole on the head.

"Ow! Okay," Nicole muttered.

"IF you shoot any one of us, we will promptly feed you to Jade," Anise added.

"He's a cannibal?" Maddie asked.

"Yes, I am a cannibal,"

"AIIEE!" Maddie and Chloe squeaked, jumping as Jade seemingly appeared behind the two girls.

"However, I will be more inclined to throw you over the side of the Tartarus, and then run you over. Repeatedly," he added as he glanced at Nicole.

"Ouch," Nicole nodded.

"And then do you know what will happen?" Chloe asked.

"We'll lose our hats?" Maddie asked.

"… no, we'll all be sad," Chloe told the group.

"Not me," Dakota joked.

"Me neither," Aja giggled.

"I will! I'll cry," Maddie added.

"Yup. And then it will never end," Nicole nodded.

"Jade's kidding- he's not a cannibal," Guy said.

"You don't necessarily know that," Jade replied evenly, pushing up his glasses in a creepy manner.

"I'm a cannibal too," Aja smiled. Jade lifted an eyebrow.

"Dually noted," he replied. "So why is Nicole in the possession of potentially dangerous firearms?"

"In case the God Generals attack again," Nicole explained. "If they're gonna be attacking, I don't want to be helpless,"

"If anyone go hurt because of us, we'd be sad," Chloe added.

"Some of us," Dakota joked.

"I figured since we have a bunch of weapons, and they need weapons… you know," Guy shrugged.

"Hm. I suppose," Jade sighed.

"Ooh Ooooh!" Aja ran over by a katana.

"Can you even use one of those?" Nicole asked.

"Better than anything else here," Aja replied.

"I guess," Nicole shrugged. Dakota looked over at the rack of weapons and stopped in front of a sword like thing.

"Hey, it's that thing Alice had from Dawn of the New World!" he grinned.

"It's a _toy_ rapier," Guy pointed out.

"Well it's cool," Dakota retorted. Chloe picked up two iron fans and Maddie found a simply spear she liked.

"…Right, now potentially unstable teenagers have lethal weapons, great," Luke muttered.

"I didn't know so many words were in your vocabulary," Aja pointed out. Nicole said it better.

"Suck it," she told him, walking out.

"Well then…" Guy nodded.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter magical wonderfulness!

Inu: Yo.

Aja: Hey

Maddie: What's up?

Inu: We got new windows.

Chloe: Your mom got new windows

Dakota: I know. I saw them last night while I was doing her.

Chloe: … Dude, seriously?

Dakota: Hell yes .It's much easier to open them than the old ones.

All: O-o"""""

Jade: …

Dakota: Luke, you're adopted.

Luke: What?

Inu: Alright, next chapter is In Which Aja Wins!

Chloe: You know I'm straight with doin' yer mom…

Jade: How odd.


	13. Chapter 13:In Which aja Wins

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of the Abyss Mohs would die. Why? Because I don't like him. Wait… doesn't he die anyway? Yeah… Okay, never mind then.

Chapter 13: In Which Aja Wins

"So you can use a sword?" Guy asked Aja as she walked down a hall.

"Eh… kinda," she replied.

"Wanna spar?" he asked.

"Sure!" Aja grinned.

"Okay! Follow me," Guy replied, turning down another hall. Aja followed, feeling nervous.

Guy stepped into a mainly empty room and drew his sword. "Alright then, show me what you've got,"

Aja steadied her sword and charged at Guy. He blocked it easily. Aja swung again. This continued until Guy knocked Aja to the floor. Aja had a depressed look on her face.

"I suck," she muttered.

"No you don't," Guy replied calmly.

"Really?" Aja asked.

"Yep," Guy nodded. "You just need some pract-"

He was cut off by Aja launching herself at Guy and hugging him. Guy's gynophobia kicked in, and he froze. Around the same time Aja had a rush of visions and stiffened too. Both of them stood there, hugging and frozen with fear.

Chloe stepped in and poked the two curiously with her fan. They creaked and fell over.

"Oops!" she said, looking around shiftily. "…It wasn't me,"

She dashed off, leaving guy on top of Aja on the floor. Guy bravely passed out.

Meanwhile, something amazing occurred to our favourite sarcastic son of a bitch Jade- wanna know how it all ends? Ask the girl with precognitive abilities! It's sad that he may get straighter of an answer out of Aja than Dakota…

So. Jade looked around the merry Tartarus for our favourite precognitive teenager. While he did so, Anise became interested, then Ion, then Luke, then Tear… before long, Jade had a search party.

Jade finally pushed open a door and found Aja underneath Guy in a highly suggestive position.

"…"

"…"

"I thought he was afraid of women!" Tear remarked at last.

"It's about friggin' time," Luke added. By now Aja had snapped out of it and was struggling uselessly under Guy.

"H-help me!" she pleaded.

"But you two seem to be having _so_ much fun!" Jade replied calmly, pushing up his glasses.

"I hate you," Aja grumbled.

"Many do, sad to say," Jade sighed, shrugging in a 'what can ya do' gesture.

"Maybe we should help," Maddie suggested.

"But this is so funny!" Dakota replied.

"We're probably making Guy's fear of women worse," Tear countered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Aja demanded.

"You have huge boobs. His face is in the middle of said huge boobs," Nicole clarified.

"Perhaps all of this exposure will cure Guy," Jade mused.

"Or make it worse," Anise added.

"Stop fucking speculating and get Guy off of me!" Aja growled.

Tear and Luke finally pulled the in-shock Guy off of Aja.

"Guy? Guy…" Luke waved a hand in front of Guy's face. He started.

"W-w-whoa," he stammered.

"Yeah, lots of guys agree after having such an encounter with Aja's boobs," Dakota nodded.

"You okay?" Luke asked, ignoring Dakota.

"Y-yeah," Guy nodded, shaking his head and rubbing his face. "I'll be okay,"

"Good," Luke nodded too. Aja stood up, dusting herself off and sighing.

"Sorry…" she said to Guy.

"It's okay," he assured her, smiling warmly. Aja felt her face flush a little- Guy had a very nice smile. And pretty eyes-

"I hate to break up this lovely romantic moment but I need to ask you some questions," Jade remarked.

"… No, you just enjoy breaking up romance," Dakota shook his head.

"R-romance?" Guy stammered. "B-but she's a girl-"

"And he's a guy!"

"Well no shit Sherlock," Nicole piped in.

"Fine, a boy!"

"A match made in heaven if you ask me," Anise snickered.

Inuyoshie's' after the chapter burnination

Inu: Burninate!

Jade: I do not believe that is a word…

Inu: IT is now bitches!

Jade: …

Aizen: She does that often.

Jade: …

Aja: Aizen! What are you doing here!

Aizen: Hunting down the human who keeps sticking his face in your cleavage.

Guy: It was an accident!

Aizen: That's what they all say…

Inu: No cross-dimensional murdering thank you!

Aja: Yeah, we have to talk about next chapter!

Inu: Indeed. We'll be taking a slight break from our lovely protagonists and experience In Which We Determine Dist Is Sane.

Dakota: HE is?

Jade: He's perfectly sane, he's just an idiot.

Dist: DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	14. Chapter 14: In Which We Determine Dist

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: If all the land were paper, and all the oceans ink, and all the skies were apple pies what would we have to drink? Aka: I don't own ToA.

Chapter 14: In Which We Determine that Dist Is Indeed Sane

"I don't understand what I did wrong!" Dist whined, pacing back and forth. His chair paced with him.

"Well, let's see, you built a machine that supposedly creates humans out of nothing. How could that POSSIBLY go wrong?" Asch demanded sarcastically.

"Shut up!" Dist screeched.

"You spent the whole time flirting with Jade-"

"Again?" Legretta let out a heavy sigh.

"I WAS NOT!" Dist snarled. "Anyway YOU were-"

"That girl forced me!" Asch snarled. "I was unwilling!"

"You got raped?" Sync snickered. Asch glared viciously at Sync.

"No," he snapped.

"But you failed your mission," Sync pointed out.

"The girl Asch was dancing with was making my chimera's spontaneously combust," Largo mumbled.

"You were dancing?" Sync snickered.

"Quite well," Largo added. Asch glared.

"If I stopped distracting her she'd cause more damage!" Asch defended himself.

"She also had a nice ass," Largo noted.

"Aaah, getting it on with the ladies huh?" Sync smirked. "Nice goin'," Asch lost his temper, made and angry noise and motioned violence to Sync. However, it turned out looking like an epically failing flail dance.

"Have you lost it?" Largo asked.

"Wow. I thought dist would be the first to go," Sync remarked.

"And as you can plainly see, I am perfectly sane!" Dist exclaimed.

"… Right," Asch remarked, calming down. Van stepped into the room.

"Asch, Largo, Dist, report," he said calmly.

"Well, we've determined that Dist screwed up royally-"

"I did NOT1" Dist cut Asch off.

"His creations have odd powers," Largo noted.

"Such as?" Van asked.

"Well, we know that one of them causes things to burst into flames," Asch elaborated.

"Hm… they may be useful," Van nodded.

"See! I'm not a screw up!" Dist grinned.

"But they don't behave like replicas at all- they have personalities, and sass back," Largo pointed out. Dist pouted.

"Who talks like that anymore anyways?" he grumbled.

"Pot, meet kettle," Asch pointed out.

"Why you-"

"Focus." Van ordered. "Where are they?"

"With the Dreck," Asch replied. Van perked up, an interesting look in his yes.

"I do believe we can use this,"

?

Y NOT.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter special

Inu: Yo.

Aja: That was probably out of character.

Inu: Neh. Circumstantial OOC ness? I apologize deeply to any of my fans who were offended by Asch blowing up or something.

Aja: Everyone gets pissed.

Inu: And Chloe does have a nice ass.

Chloe: Inu! I mean no offense but the ole barn door just don' swing that way.

Inu: Naw that be fine, that be fine. I wasn't hitting on you, I was merely remarking on something.

Guy: Anyways, since your OCs are part of you wouldn't hitting on them be incest?

Inu: NO, that would be masturbation.

Luke: What?

Dakota: AschXLuke.

Guy: *dies* that's just wrong!

Aja: Inu. Guy can't talk if he's dead.

Inu: Okay, lemme fix it.

Guy: That's just wrong! *dies*

Luke: … I'm confused.

Dakota: Wait- Guy doesn't know that Asch and Luke are very similar yet Inu…

Inu: Aw, I'm screwing the cannon plot with a kitchen broom and a baseball bat at the same time, so…

Aja: Eeew… bad image…

Inu: Come on, I thought you'd be into that kinky kinda stuff.

Aja: *clears throat, reddening* Ahem. Next chapter.

Inu: Yes. In Which Luke's Sex Life Is Discussed In Detail and Jade Is Covered In Whipped Cream.

Jade: Why me?

Inu: Y NOT?


	15. Chapter 15In Which Luke’s Sex Life Is

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I don' own Tales of the Abyss.

Chapter 15: In Which Luke's Sex Life Is Discussed In Detail and Jade Is Covered In Whipped Cream

"Are we there yet?"

"No,"

"Are we there yet?"

"No,"

"Are we there yet?"

"No! Go bother someone else!" Luke yelled at Aja, Nicole and Chloe, who were speaking in a creepy unison.

"But you're so much fun to bother!" Chloe giggled.

"I'll show you fun-" Luke drew his sword.

"Dude, you're a fuckin' pacifist," Nicole pointed out.

"A what?" Luke blinked.

"Someone who cannot mentally handle killing another living being," Aja explained.

"H-how the hell did you know that?" Luke stammered.

"Well it's common knowledge-"

"No her!" Luke pointed at Nicole.

"I can read minds," She replied with a sigh. Luke inched away.

"Seriously?" he exclaimed.

"Like a book- it doesn't help that you think loudly, and often about only two things," Nicole smirked.

"Ooooh! What?" Chloe giggled.

"Don't you dare say it!!" Luke snarled.

"He was thinking about some guy named Van-"

"In bed," Aja announced.

"Cajun style!" Chloe giggled.

"What the hell are you three talking about?" Luke demanded.

"Your sex life-"

"GET THE HELL OFF!"

Seeing that Luke was suddenly dangerous, Chloe, Nicole and Aja decided to go bother someone else…

After ten minutes of one sided Jade bothering it almost seemed like they had met their match. (I do not include the one sided bothering because it was… well… one sided). But our lovely protagonists are disturbingly stubborn and instead got reinforcements.

"… and why do you want to bother Jade?" Dakota asked.

"It's fun,"

"It's wholesome,"

"It needs to be done,"

Dakota blinked.

"Well…"

"I'll throw in some chicken,"

"Done. But Jade is a hard nut to crack… we'll need more help," Dakota mused.

~Later~

"No,"

"Yes,"

"I'm not dumb, he'll throw me off the side of the Tartarus," Maddie exclaimed.

"See that's why we need you to keep him calm," Nicole pointed out.

"His emotions are like a block of frozen strawberries! I can't do anything with them!" Maddie retorted.

"You can put whipped cream on them," Chloe pointed out.

"Oh baby," Aja snickered.

"Kinky," Nicole smirked. Maddie reddened and glared.

"Shut up-"

"Come on! Let's go put whipped cream on Jade!" Dakota said, pulling Maddie out of her room.

"…why are you putting whipped cream on Jade?" Tear asked.

"Sounds like fun," Anise giggled.

"Come on!" Aja announced as the plethora of people marched to harass Jade. Nicole cocked her pistols. Ion and Guy joined the troupe.

Aja went in first.

Soon after, Chloe went in.

Then Nicole went in.

Not long after, Dakota went in.

Then Anise and Tear came in.

Guy and Luke, who happened to be passing, walked in.

Maddie and Sophie stepped in.

The bridge was filled with people, and Jade was just driving the Tartarus calmly, as if he was all alone. Finally, Jade turned around.

"May I help you?" he asked calmly.

"Are we there yet?" everyone asked in unison.

"…Yes, yes we are,' Jade replied, pointing to the sparkly city that is Grand Chokmah.

"Ooooh…. Shiny…"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Inuyoshie's sexy after the chapter session

Inu: Oh baby.

Luke: Do I even want to know why everybody's making comments about whipped cream and Jade?

Aja: Oh, they're just innuendos.

Luke: Wha?

Chloe: Have you had the talk?

Guy: Uh… what part of his memory got wiped when he was little and has had to start over from scratch don't you other worlders get?

Aja: So Luke doesn't know where babies come from?

Luke: Well duh, a guy and a girl both put their data into fomicry machines and out comes a baby!

Aja: That's really how fomicry works?'

Jade: *rubs temples* I really should say something here, shouldn't I?

Dakota: Naw, let 'em squirm.

Aja: Okay Luke, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much-

Anise: Hah! Better plan! *drags Luke off to a room with a video tape*

*screaming ensues*

*Luke steps out, pale as ever* G-guy, I think I now share your fear of women…

Anise: And now you know!

Maddie: And knowing is half the battle. So where did you get that?

Anise: Dist made it for me.

*Awkward silence*

Jade: *clears throat* Why do I feel responsible all of a sudden? No matter. I believe around now the next chapter is discussed, yes?

Dakota: Good job, you're catching on. It's only what, the fifteenth chapter?

Inu: *ahem* Anyway, next chapter: In Which People Randomly Sing.


	16. Chapter 16: In Which People Randomly Sin

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss. … What? You're expecting more?

Chapter 16: In Which People Randomly Sing.

While Jade handled all the boring logistic paperwork and did the magical diplomatic 'let me into mah own city bitch' dance of sparkly death our lovely protagonists waited anxiously to get off the Tartarus.

(By the way, Jade's sparkly death dance is terrifying, no one has seen it and lived for more than five minutes, and the person who set this record only did this by eating a fomicry plantain and cloning himself. In front of Jade. Aka: Really Dumb.)

"Damn you! Your sparklyness eludes me!" Aja complained.

"We'll be there soon," Guy assured Aja.

"Why is it so blue?" Nicole asked, not cussing for once.

"Aqueducts," Dakota replied.

"I'm blue!" Aja announced.

"IF I was green I would die, if I was green I would die if I was green I would die-"

"What the hell?" Luke demanded.

"Your face," Nicole retorted.

"Huh?" Luke blinked.

"Nicole, it's unfair to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person," Dakota pointed out.

"Geh. You're mocking me," Luke muttered, stalking out of the room.

"You shouldn't be so mean to Luke all the time," Tear pointed out.

"He's an ass," Nicole replied.

"…well, Luke does have his moments," Tear remarked.

"Indeed he does. WE can enter the city now," Jade popped up behind Maddie and Chloe, who both squeaked.

"God you're going to give me a heart attack!" Maddie exclaimed. Jade chuckled.

"I'll keep that in mind. If you five would follow me, I'll give you temporary passports," Jade announced.

"Logistics? Rawr," Aja muttered.

"They are needed. Also," Jade turned and looked at our lovely protagonists seriously. "IF you do anything illegal, you all will be turned over to me, and I will deal with you all. Personally,"

"That means behave. Nicole… Aja… Chloe…." Dakota added.

"What about me?" Maddie asked innocently.

"Naw, you won't break a low," Chloe replied cheerfully.

"Watch- she'll break someone's nose in a bar," Nicole snickered.

"Do try to avoid that," Jade remarked.

"I'm a pacifist-"

"My ass!" Aja cut her off.

"Yeah, miss Psychological Warfare," Dakota nodded. Maddie rolled her eyes.

"Okay, so we've settled that Maddie is psycho and that we'll behave, can we go into the city now?" Chloe demanded.

"Just follow me, "Jade replied, walking off the Tartarus. Aja picked up Sophie, and our lovely protagonists followed Jade into Grand Chokmah.

Will chaos descend?

Hells yeah.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Inuyoshie's after the chapter lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise!

Inu: MEEEH

Aja: What the hell is with the late update?

Inu: Well, you see I realized that I had this authour study to do and I hadn't read any Isaac Asimov so I had to set aside all writing to read his stuff.

Aja: Likely excuse- you started another story!

Inu: That was out of boredom

Aja: Riiiight sure…

Inu: Anyways… next chapter.

Aja: Oh yes. In Which People Get Drunk, Swear and Invent A New Cuss.

Inu: Nice.

Jade: Drunk? *sighs* This old man can't keep up with you teenagers…


	17. Chapter 17: In Which everybody looses it

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: If you say I own ToA, I shall bust you over the head with a lava lamp.

Also: Fun drinking game! Take a drink ever time Jade face palms. And every time someone cusses.

Chapter 17: IN Which People Get Drunk, Swear and Invent a New Saying

Just around the time Dakota finished his passport the guards came.

"I didn't do it I swear!" Nicole announced.

"Yes you did," Dakota replied.

"You'll never catch me alive!" Aja added dramatically. Jade, Dakota and Maddie all face palmed at the same time.

"I am here to inform you that the information you requested has come in," the soldier said.

"Information?" Dakota blinked.

"Ah yes, thank you," Jade nodded. The soldier saluted and clanked off.

"What was-"

"Well, it's getting late; shouldn't you children go find an inn to stay at?" Jade demanded calmly.

"…Yeah, we have no money," Aja replied.

"Then say you're with Luke," Jade shrugged.

"True. He is a duke," Dakota nodded.

"Instant money!" Chloe grinned.

"…right," Maddie nodded. Jade looked amused.

"I believe they are staying in an inn down the street, to the right five blocks under the green aqueduct and to the left of the Kiawah monument. You can't miss it," Jade said breathlessly.

"…huh?" Nicole asked.

"Uh… down the street, to the right three blocks under the green thingi and by a statue?"

Jade rubbed his temples and sighed.

"I suppose I'll have to escort you," he muttered. "Very well, let us be going. Perhaps we can escape before the Emperor notices I'm here…"

"Emperor?" Nicole blinked.

"He's interesting," Dakota nodded.

"That's a flattering term for it," Jade replied, walking out. All teenagers (and toddler) followed.

Everything was fine until Chloe spotted a tavern.

"If mine eyes do not deceive me, that am a bar," Chloe remarked.

"…dude, it is," Nicole grinned.

"Should we?" Aja asked.

"Hell yes!" Chloe exclaimed. They ran off as Dakota and Jade were engaged in a quip battle (the war has just begun~)

"Well what if I said '_Parlez-vous français_ ?"

"I would have to declare you delusional-"

"But I'm not delusional, it's French!"

"I have never heard of such a – oh dear,"

"Don't change the subject!"

"We seem to be missing some people," Jade remarked.

Dakota then noticed that the girls were gone (except for Sophie. She was a good girl)

"Hell – no shit!" Dakota cursed. "Where'd they go?" his line of vision inevitably landed on the tavern. "Oh great," Jade saw where Dakota was looking and sighed.

"That's problematic" Jade remarked, approaching the tavern.

"Yes," Dakota nodded, following. They stepped in to find Chloe in a drinking contest with a big burly sea-man, Maddie laughing her ass off at something, Aja slapping some guy who grabbed her ass, and Nicole brooding over the Malkurthian version of a Manhattan, next to a cloaked figure.

"…why?" Dakota demanded.

"Children," Jade sighed. He noticed the cloaked figure and face palmed. Again.

"So, you come around her e often? " The guy asked Nicole suavely. Nicole downed her drink and ignored him. "Aw come on, talk ta mee!"

"No, I will not talk to you, you stupid fucktard," Nicole retorted.

"Haha! You just did," the guy grinned.

"Go to fucking hell you fucking fuck muffin!"

"Fuck muffin? " the hooded guy repeated. "How cute, you already have a pet name for me –"

"Fuck off!" Nicole growled, lunging for him. She knocked the guy over and both of them went flying into a wall. Once the laws of motion were done wrecking havoc on the unlucky couple, Nicole was on tip of a pretty but drunk blonde man who grinned stupidly.

"Save it for the bedroom sweet heart –" he stopped when Nicole shoved her pistol in his face.

By now most of the tavern had gathered around to watch. Dakota saw the blonde and swallowed laughter.

"One more word and I'll fucking blow your brains out you fucking douche," Nicole growled.

"Hehe…" the blonde laughed nervously.

"Alright now," Jade remarked coolly, approaching her. He picked her up easily, even though Nicole was cursing and kicking. She tried to kick the drunken man but he caught her foot easily and grinned.

"…Your hood," Jade remarked.

"Oh. Yes." The man put his hood up again and got up. Jade (still carrying Nicole) strolled through the bar to get the other two girls. Dakota was watching Aja snarl at some harmless drunk whose hand mysteriously found its way to Aja's ass.

"Hey, it's dinner and a show," Dakota remarked, casually stealing someone's uneaten chicken appetizers. Jade sighed and turned to Maddie, who burst out laughing.

"What is so amusing? "Jade wondered, bending over to examine the girl in a scientific fashion.

"Hehe… your … face!" Maddie snickered.

"Your mom!" someone in the bar supplied.

"In bed!"

"Only if there's whipped cream involved,"

Jade would have face palmed if he could. Instead, he turned his attention to Aja, who was in an insult war with a drunken guy.

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Slut!"

"Republican!"

"Re- what?" the guy looked confused.

"Hah! I win!" Aja crowed.

".. Some assistance would be appreciated," Jade remarked to Dakota.

"Aja! There's a Japanese School Girl in a Lolita Outfit outside!" Dakota yelled.

"Really? 'Aja dashed outside. Ironically, she ran into Anise. Need I say more?

"…"

"Sorry Jade, that's all I've got," Dakota shrugged.

"I see," Jade sighed. "Just drag Madeline outside by force,"

"Yes sir," Dakota saluted, doing so easily.

In such a manner, Jade and Dakota herded our drunken female protagonists to their hotel.

Chloe eventually turned up later, having beaten all of the sea-men in drinking contests.

ZXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXYES

Inuyoshie's after the chapter shizz

Okay, so I realized that I typed up chapter 16 but did not post it, so sowee.

Aja: Damn you!

Inu: So, instead I kinda did this. I gave you a double post. With an uber long chappie!

Nicole: Who the hell was that blonde guy?

Inu: XD you'll find out!

Jade: *sighs*

Dakota: *face palms*

Inu: No, you can't take a drink if Dakota face palms, only if Jade does.

Dakota: Jade! Quick! Face palm a bunch of times!

Jade: … why?

Inu: It's fun!

Chloe: It's wholesome!

Inu: It's approaching over a thousand words! I should wrap things up…

Inu: Why?

Inu: Because.

Chloe: Inu, you're talking to yourself again!

Inu: Sorry, listening to a techno remix of Lady Gaga. It turns your brain off.

Aja: Oh. Okay. Next chapter?

Inu: Yes. IN Which Jade is Odd and Peony Is Inappropriate.

Dakota: When isn't he?

Inu: Oh, by the way – if any of my viewers are Republican, I mean no offense. Really. I was referencing… oh what was it? Rocky Horror Show? Something like that… anyways… yeah.

Jade: … *face palms*


	18. Chapter 18:In Which Peony is Inappropria

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I wish I knew where my kitten was T-T I don't own ToA.

Chapter 18: In Which Jade is Old and Peony is Inappropriate

"Rise and shine-"

"Oh God kill me now!" Maddie moaned.

"Oh come now, a little alcohol won't kill you," Jade chuckled humorlessly.

"Yes, it will," Aja groaned from her bed.

"Why the hell did I do that?" Maddie demanded.

"It's a compulsion you young people have…" Jade sighed, shrugging.

"Come on, you can't be over twenty five," Maddie chided Jade.

"Hahah, you flatter me, I'm as old as the hills," Jade waved a hand, dismissing her.

"He's thirty five," Dakota added.

"Ooooh, ancient," Aja remarked sarcastically.

"Yeah, you probably sat behind Jesus in the third grade, "Nicole snickered.

"Shouldn't an old man like you be in a nursing home?" Maddie joked.

"I'd love to retire, but His Majesty won't let me. Every time I bring it up he starts whining," Jade sighed again. "By the way, he wants to see you all,"

"Joyful," Nicole muttered.

"Isn't it though? He especially wanted to see you," Jade told Nicole. Dakota snickered.

"…that snicker makes me nervous… let me guess, he's a womanizing asshole?" Nicole asked. Jade clapped his hands.

"How remarkable, it's as if you two have already met,' he grinned.

"Huh," Nicole muttered.

"Well, we can't be late… dibs on showers!"

"Nu uh, I drank more!"

"Shove off!"

Dakota and Jade face palmed.

"… You know there is a bunch of bathhouses here-"

"But then I'll have to bathe in public1" Aja whined.

"…"

After much shoving, yelling, a few fonic artes, and some flinging of shampoo, our lovely protagonists were herded to various bathrooms, bathed and dressed to visit the Emperor of doom and Casanova-ness.

"Ooooh, shiny," Aja cooed.

"Yes… His Majesty designed it himself," Jade narrated as he lead our lovely protagonists into the throne room.

"Jade! How nice to see you, did you come to see my rappigs?" the unfairly handsome blonde guy on the throne asked Jade cheerfully.

"You're Majesty, you called-"

"Actually I asked to see those mysterious girls who fell from the sky- but I was going to visit you too!" Peony grinned. "My rappigs miss you," Jade sighed.

"Wait… don't you have… uh, I dunno, more _kingly_ things to do?" Chloe asked.

"I'm an emperor, not a king," Peony pointed out.

"Same difference," Chloe muttered.

"Actually there is a significant difference between the two and I am NOT A GIRL," Dakota remarked. Peony blinked.

"Well, yes, I knew that, but I'm not going to hit on you-"

"So I don't count?"

"I never said that-"

"Wait you're going to hit on us? " Aja exclaimed. "I'm frickin' lesbian!"

"Hey, that's hot-"

"You're Majesty!" The ever cranky Sesseman exclaimed. Nicole blinked at Peony.

"Wait… you're that drunk ass bastard who hit on me last night!" Nicole exclaimed.

"Drunk?" Sesseman demanded.

"Bastard? Now that's just mean," Peony complained.

"Nikky, please try to stay out of jail," Maddie whined.

"Oh yeah… you're that girl who jumped me," Peony clapped his hands and nodded.

"Wait- you were totally wasted- how do you remember that?" Nicole asked.

"Ancient Malkurthian technique," Dakota replied wisely.

"No, I was just a little tipsy-"

"WHAT?"

"Yes, it's true, His Majesty actually acts like that when he's sober," Jade sighed.

"Maybe that's why he's trying to get you drunk all the time," Dakota remarked.

"Hm… that would explain a great deal," Jade nodded.

"Your Majesty if you're going around drinking-"

"And molesting people-"

"I didn't molest you!"

Maddie chose then to employ her abilities to calm everybody the fuck down. While she did so Jade conspicuously took notes on the fonon fields around her. Finally, the argument (which had evolved into a shouting match between Nicole, Aja and Sesseman) calmed down and Peony (who looked like he was enjoying himself) sighed.

"Alright. To make amends you all can stay at my palace for a few days," he announced.

"Okay,"

"Cool,"

"I can live with that,"

"Nice,"

"Okay, what's the catch?" Dakota demanded.

"Catch?" Peony blinked innocently. "Well, I only insist that you all join me for dinner,"

"Knew it!"

"Hey, it's free food,"

"And rude to decline,"

"Depends on how good the food is,"

"Mumble," Nicole mumbled.

"Well then, that's settled, I'll take my leave," Jade announced.

"Awww… you're fun to bug!" Aja complained. Peony snickered and Jade sighed.

"Yes, but this old man's bones can't handle all the excitement," he informed Aja. Everyone (meaning Aja, Nicole, Chloe, Maddie, Dakota and Peony) burst out laughing. During this time, Jade cleverly left, and our lovely protagonists dispersed to cause more mayhem in Grand Chokmah.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Inuyoshie's after the chapter special

Inu: Hi!"

Aja: Hi…

Inu: Now I have to think up of something funny to stick here. T-T I dunno…

Aja: Um…

Dakota: Cheese?

Maddie: Bananas?

Nicole: Pansies?'

Inu: I don't know.

Aja: next chapter is "In Which Ion Is Adorable"


	19. Chapter 19:In Which Ion is Adorable

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I own Tales of the Abyss, just like I own the Vocaloids and your mom.

Chapter 19: In Which Ion Is Adorable

It occurred to Aja as she (and everyone else) walked back to the hotel to get their shizz that that random green haired kid was absolutely adorable.

"Hey Deco… that random green haired kid is absolutely adorable," Aja remarked to Dakota.

"Ion _is_ absolutely adorable," Dakota nodded.

"Do you know what that means?" Chloe asked.

"Torture!" Dakota replied

"Hell yes!" Aja crowed. Maddie and Nicole sweat dropped.

"Why am I always the sane one?" Maddie complained.

"Come on you two, you've gotta help us hold him down!" Aja whined. Both girls relented.

"Okay, so what are we going to do?" Nicole asked. Aja chuckled darkly and ran off into the city to get something.

"…some days I wonder…" Dakota remarked. After a few minutes, Aja came back with a box.

"Okay. Where is The Adorable One?" she demanded.

"You make Ion sound like some Lovecraftian horror," Maddie commented.

"No cluthuloids here," Dakota shook his head.

"Dawww…" Chloe drooped. "I wanted to see some tentacles,"

"He's probably at the hotel," Dakota murmured as the rest of the girls stepped in. After a little searching, they found Ion. IN his hotel room. Alone.

"Heheheheh…" Dakota cackled in an oddly Jade like fashion.

"…God you sound like a pedo," Nicole remarked. Dakota shrugged and our lovely protagonists stepped in.

"Oh hello-" Ion froze at the creepy looks on Dakota, Chloe and Aja's faces.

"Hi there," all three said in unison. Aja pulled out the box and It commenced.

Maddie stood outside, next to Sophie. When Anise tried to enter, Maddie shook her head.

"Sorry, you cannot under any circumstances enter this room unless killer rabbits are attempting to swallow the sun," she told Anise deadpan.

"…I can see Jade creating that… what's going on in there?" Anise asked.

Just then, the door opened. With amazing fanfare, Aja paraded out Ion… in a white and gold Lolita dress (with the umbrella and all).

"I-Ion?" Anise stammered.

"Anise… help…" Ion whimpered.

"YOU'RE SO CUTE!" Aja and Anise exclaimed, glomping Ion. Ion squeaked and toppled over into a pile of Aja and Anise. Chloe clapped her hands.

"Come on now! We've gotta take Ion out on the town!" she exclaimed.

"Noo, he'll get molested!" Anise exclaimed.

"I'll kick the ass of any fool who dares to molest Ion!" Aja declared.

"…" Anise frowned, not quite convinced. "I'm coming with,"

"Are you sure?" Dakota asked. "Chloe is pretty weird,"

"Aw, I can take it. Maybe I'll meet a rich, handsome guy~" Anise grinned. Ion let out another whimper.

"Come on!" Chloe grabbed Ion and Anise and zoomed out of the hotel.

Luke stuck his head out of his room, confused. What else is new.

-Later in town-

"This is embarrassing," Ion whined.

"But you look so cute," Nicole pointed out.

"Nicole! I didn't know that cute was in your vocabulary," Dakota exclaimed. Nicole glared at Dakota.

"I hate you," she grumbled. Dakota laughed.

"Well, really Ion should be the upset one," Maddie pointed out. "I mean-"

"Bar!" Chloe announced, tugging Ion into a tavern.

"Um, we're underage-"

"Who cares? IT's a bar!" Chloe exclaimed, grabbing Ion and dragging him into another tavern.

"Again? " Dakota whined. "Jade and I had to drag you all out last time!"

"Well, almost all. Remember? Aja thought I was a…uh…what was that?" Anise blinked.

"Japanese school girl in a Lolita dress," Dakota supplied.

"What's with you and Lolita?" Nicole demanded.

"It's hot!" Aja retorted.

"I guess," Anise remarked as they stepped into the bar… and were promptly kicked out.

"Dammit!" Chloe exclaimed.

"Well, it is kinda obvious how underage we are," Dakota remarked.

"True. I mean, you're like what, eleven?" Maddie asked Anise.

"Twelve," she retorted.

"Still…" Chloe sighed. Everybody sat on a curb with a heavy sigh, looking like criminals (one of which in a Lolita dress).

That's when Chloe noticed the barely opened bottle of something laying on its side. She grabbed it and took a whiff.

"Dudes…"

"Chloe, no. That's unsanitary," Maddie sighed.

"But it's almond-y!"

"It's still icky," Aja nodded.

"Well, we can pour it out," Nicole mused.

"With what?" Dakota demanded.

"Aja's mind! I saw her do that weird telekinesis thing earlier," Chloe answered.

"I dunno…" Aja frowned.

"Wait, - what?" Anise blinked.

"Aja has telekinesis… you know, moving shizz with your mind? Yeah," Chloe explained.

"Why didn't you tell Jade that?" Anise demanded.

"I don't like him,"

"He's creepy,"

"He's in the army,"

"He's a pedophile,"

"He's Jade,"

Anise sighed.

"I suppose it is hard to argue with that logic," she pointed out.

"So… beverage?" Chloe asked hopefully.

"I can't –my body is a temple!" Ion whined.

"And it's illegal," Anise added.

"Well, that's why it's good that a law guy isn't around!" Aja nodded.

"Yes, it is a good thing hmm," Jade commented, leaning over and surveying out lovely protagonists.

"…stupid question, do you have a life?" Nicole demanded."

"…wait… how much of that conversation did you hear?" Maddie asked in a paranoid manner.

Jade simply smiled.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Inuyoshie's after the chapter junk

Inu: Yo!

Aja: Hey.

Maddie: Where in the world is Carmen SanDiego?

Chloe: Where in the world is your mom?

Dakota: Where in the world is Dist?

Nicole: Why do we give a shit?

Dakota: because nobody loves him.

Inu: That is true. He is abused. Often.

Aja: He liiiikes it

Dist: Stop it you savages!

Chloe: Rawr. I'm a savage. Phear meh.

Maddie: Rawr rawr.

Aja: Rah rah rahrah raah! Rah rah –

Dakota: You are not Lady Gaga!

Aja: Aah yes, but I've got me some leather pants.

Nicole: o_O do I want to know what you all are talking about?

Maddie: NO.

Aja: Next chapter! In Which Ion Discovers The Disadvantages Of Cross-dressing!


	20. Chapter 20: In Which Ion discovers the

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss, and if I did, Rukia would be a manwich.

…Wait, what?

On a more serious note, I use some language in here that I do not approve of, and I don't want you all to think I'm an unpleasant homophobe by doing so. I do not support anti- BGLT language… it just fit for the story.

Chapter 20: In Which Ion Discovers the Disadvantages of Cross-dressing

"In all actuality, I do have a life," Jade remarked.

"Really?"

"Yes, and now I must go live it instead of babysitting you youngsters," Jade nodded. "Do try not to break any more laws… or I'll have to actually… punish you,"

"…right," Nicole nodded, looking freaked out.

"In fact, here, take this," Jade handed Nicole Sophie, who whined about leaving Princess Jade. Jade patted her absentmindedly on the head and left.

"Hm… now what?" Maddie wondered, taking Sophie.

"I'm hungry…" Chloe replied.

"Me too! Let's get food!" Dakota nodded. Our lovely protagonists (plus Anise and Ion) raced off to find a place to eat.

They found it in a cute little café that served pretty good food. The waitress went off, leaving our lovely protagonists to wait.

And that's where the problem started.

You see, one table down there was a man and his wife. His wife went off to the washroom, leaving her husband (let's call him Bob) alone. Now, good Bob here had a case of wandering eyes and spotted Ion.

Puffing his chest as any male would do in the sight of such a cute lady, Bob sauntered over to Ion, grinning down at him.

"Hey there little lady," he started. "You about you and me-"

"Excuse me…"

"Head on over to the back and I'll show you something-"

"Um…"

"Sir. That is a guy," Maddie interrupted Bob, placing a hand on his arm. Bob stared at Ion in horror, who was bright red. Just then the wife came out to see Maddie with her hand on Bob's arm. Bob's wife was… uh…

"Get off of my husband you slut!" she yelled. Maddie flinched and pulled away quickly.

"Um… ma'am, I wasn't doing anything, this man here was confusing my friend for a girl and-"

Here is where it occurs to Bob that this conversation will inevitably lead to his overprotective wife discovering his infidelity. So, he did what anyone else would in his situation- lied to cover his ass.

"Honey, you've got it all wrong… this girl was coming on to me," Bob explained, gesturing at Maddie.

"Um, fuck no!" Nicole exclaimed, standing up.

"Asshole, you were hitting on Ion!" Aja added. Dakota nodded. Maddie's face flushed and she looked down. Bob's wife snorted.

"You expect me to believe that my husband would hit on someone who's obviously a male cross-dressing? Fucking faggot," she snapped. "You're a slut, you hang around with sluts and you don't even pretend to hide your slut baby!"

Nicole reached for her guns, Aja to her sword. Chloe had a ball of fire in her hand and Dakota grabbed a steaming pot of tea.

Maddie beat them all to it by punching Bob's wife in the nose.

The crunch of her nose breaking reverberated though out the café. The woman staggered back, and then stared at Maddie, who stood strong… and angry. Very, very angry. Bob's wife lunged for Maddie, and before long they were engaged in an unpleasant catfight.

Around then, the police showed up.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter bitchslap

Maddie: I'm a pacifist!

Jade: Well, technically you did not kill anyone.

Aja: The Pedo-General brings up a point.

Jade: I'm not a general, I am a colonel.

Dakota: Yup. Being a general is hard work. Just ask Dist!

Jade: … I'd rather not, thank you.

Aja: Ooooh, so what's going to happen next?

Nicole: Well, the next chapter is: In Which Nicole Kills Kicks everybody's Ass

Dakota: …

Aja: Actually, it's In Which Maddie Goes to Court.

Nicole: Awww…


	21. Chapter 21: IN Which Maddie Goes crazy

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Korea invented Tales of the Abyss. Thus, Inuyoshie does not own it. Korea does.

Chapter 21: In Which Nicole Kills Everybody Maddie Goes to Court

"These out of world-ers are a menace to society!"

Jade was wondering why he was called to the court house. (Well, besides the excuse to get away from Peony's rappigs) Now he knew. Jade closed his eyes and opened the doors, stepping in.

"So which one was it? Nicole? Aja?" he asked lightly.

"Nope. It was the group pacifist," Aja shook her head.

"See? If this is pacifism then what would violence be like?" the prosecutor exclaimed.

"It was circumstantial!" Aja exclaimed.

"Silence! You cannot stand on trial –"

"She's a witness!" Dakota pointed out.

"Silence!" the judge roared. He then turned to stare at the whole court.

Bob and his wife were on one side. The two had spun up a hell of a lot of popularity mainly because Bob's wife has a huge mouth and a lot of peeps. Maddie was on the other side in handcuffs. Soldiers stood around both parties, especially Maddie and her companions whom were shoved in the back.

"Now. This man was flirting with –"

"I was not!" Bob interrupted. Jade inwardly sighed – that man, like most civilians, failed at lying. Actually, most people failed at lying. Either that or Jade was just that good.

Why was there a transvestite –"

"Please don't tell me this place is as homophobic as back home –"

"Everybody quiet!" the Judge snapped. Aja seethed as a soldier shot her a look. Maddie rubbed her forehead irately.

"Excuse me sir, let me tell you what happened – that menace lured my faithful husband of fire years over and came on to him, even when he rejected her –"

"But –" Chloe was cut off by a soldier. Bob's wife continued.

"And when I came in she punched me when I told her to back off," she finished.

"May I –"

"Quiet!" the prosecutor snapped.

Jade took a moment to observe our lovely protagonists. Dakota, Aja, Chloe and Nicole all had large amounts of fonons swirling around them –Chloe's fists were clenched and wreathes of fire flickered around them. Dakota looked pissed off as hell, like he wanted to kill someone.

"I want this Kimlsascan prostitute –"

Bob's wife slammed into a wall. People gasped. Dakota, Chloe and Nicole turned to Aja.

"You have no proof that I did that!" Aja announced.

"… Colonel Curtiss, how kind of you to join us," the Judge remarked coolly.

"Your Honor, I've been here for approximately ten minutes," Jade commented. The Judge does not like Jade, as can be seen.

"Anyways… we need punishment –"

"Wait, doesn't a jury deliberate?" Dakota demanded.

"Deliberate on what? We know she's guilty," Bob's wife snapped, pulling herself from the wall.

"But –"

"I think she should be put in jail!" Bob's wife announced.

"No… Jade Curtiss, since you brought this lot here, she is now under your surveillance –"

"I OBJECT!" Dakota shouted.

"OVERRULED! Get the foncuffs!"

Jade sighed heavily and rubbed his temples.

A fancy cuff thing was put on a stony Maddie and the little controller thingi was given to Jade.

"Okay, it's resolved, NOW GO AWAY!" the Judge shouted. Jade marched the seething and silent teenagers out of the courtroom and to the palace, without any comment.

"Xenophobic assholes," Aja snapped.

"Unfortunately, you're fairly correct," Jade sighed. "However you shouldn't have –"

"Jade, tha man came over and was flirting with Ion, and Maddie stood up for him. He's just lying with his wife to cover up the cheating. If it wouldn't have been a scandal with Fon Master Ion dressed up as he is he would have testified!"

"That much I gathered," Jade nodded.

"Jade's right, I threw the first punch, the fault is mine, "Maddie murmured, speaking for the first time, her voice dead. "I'm sorry –"

"Maddie don't you dare," Aja informed her. Jade glanced at her, frowning.

"May I suggest you find a method to calm down? I understand you are in a trying situation, but the amounts of fonons you have gathered around you are quite distracting," he remarked.

"No I'm fine," Maddie mumbled automatically. The rest of our protagonists twitched. Somewhere, a clock rang.

"We have dinner party to attend… we'd better hurry," Chloe remarked. Nicole scowled.

"Joy,"

Ivan (Russia)'s after the chapter special da.

Ivan: Hello da!

Luke: Who the hell are you?

Ivan: I'm Russia from Axis Powers Hetalia da. It's nice to meet you da. *smiles*

Dakota: …weird.

Jade: … Interesting.

Dakota: Why does that judge not like you Jade?

Jade: That is a lovely question, for which I have no answer. Some people just decide to hate me.

Aja: Yeah, why was Inu so mean to Maddie?

Ivan: I don't know. Maybe that's why she's hiding da.

Aja: Where is she hiding…?

Ivan: With Greece sleeping da. She likes him. Da.

Aja:*twitches* I'll go eat her…

Nicole: Why do I have to go to a dinner party?

Aja: 'Cuz Peony is epic.

Dakota: … Hm, epic is one word for him.

Ivan: He looks like France da.

Aja: He acts like France.

Dakota: I haven't the faintest clue what you lot are talking about.

Ivan: That's okay da. Next chapter da?

Aja: Yup. In Which Most of the Protagonists Attend a Dinner Party.

Jade: Indeed.

Dakota: Well, bye!

Chloe: Please drop a review!

Ivan: Yes… soon all will become one with Mother Russia… da!


	22. Chapter 22: In Which our protagonists

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Pandas eat bamboo.

Chapter 22: In which Most of the Protagonists attend a dinner party

"So, in the past day you've dressed the Fon Master up like a girl, gone bar happing, gotten kicked out, gotten into a fight, arrested and now one of you ahs Jade stalking her like a pedophile creeper, right?" Peony asked over a large and fancy dinner table.

"Yep," Aja nodded.

"Pretty much," Dakota nodded.

"Mhm~" Chloe giggled.

"Meh," Maddie mehed.

Peony applauded our lovely protagonists for their various accomplishments.

"Good job, good job," he laughed. He then paused and looked around the table. "Where's our lovely Nicole?"

"Lovely?" Dakota snorted.

"Uh… she's ill? " Maddie blinked.

"She's faking," Chloe corrected.

"Um… her exact words-"

"Please not the exact words," Maddie plead.

"I'm sure His Majesty can handle it," Jade assured her.

"…specifically she said 'hell fucking no, I wouldn't go to his gay ass dinner party if you paid me go the fuck away," Dakota related. Peony blinked.

"Aww, that hurts," he whined.

"You can probably get her later… it's not like she's going anywhere," Maddie pointed out.

"Yeah, I think last time I saw Nikky she was cuddling a pillow intensely," Aja nodded.

"…the image of Nicole cuddling anything disturbs me greatly," Dakota remarked.

"True. Nikky is a violent person," Chloe nodded. "She's either cuddling a pillow or cleaning her guns,"

"Because those are such violent activities," Dakota remarked. Peony laughed.

"It's a shame she isn't here to defend herself,' he remarked. Jade glanced at Peony sharply... Peony grinned in response, and Jade sighed.

"What the hell was that?" Dakota demanded. "Some kind of code or something?"

"Yes," Jade nodded, tapping the table three times in rapid succession, then pausing, and then tapping again twice. Peony tapped back four times in a row, and then paused, then three times. He then giggled and Jade sighed.

"Jade, you're terrible," Peony laughed.

"Why, your highness bestows such –":

"Stop it. Right there,"

"- Benevolent complements on an old –"

"Jade, seriously,"

Jade sighed and relented. Peony then lightened up.

"Besides, you're going to give these kids a complex," he grinned.

"I'm pretty sure that's the idea," Chloe remarked.

"Short trip," Maddie muttered.

"We're not kids," Aja muttered.

"IN the eyes of old men such as yourselves –"

"Jaade! I'm not old!" Peony broke Jade off.

"You're as old as he is," Dakota remarked. Peony pouted.

"Good Job Dakota, now you can put 'Calling an Emperor Old' on your list of accomplishments," Maddie remarked. Jade sighed, irritated at his inability to finish a snarky remark anymore.

Soon after the dinner ended, and our protagonists dispersed to move the lot along.

And of course, Peony looked for Nicole.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter junk

Aja: INU WHERE THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Inu: neeh…

Maddie: She's been… well, doing stuff

Dakota: Procrastinating

Inu: But I'm back?

Aja: Barely

Nicole: Get your head out of your ass and post more often!

Inu: Okay, okay, I'll try!

Aja: Like update Nameless…

Nicole: And Broken Masks…

Maddie: And what about that D. Gray Man Naruto crossover you have hidden in your notebook? That has like twenty pages in it!

Inu: T-T I'm sorry guys, please don't eat me!

Dakota: Yeah… and please review…


	23. Chapter 23: In Which Peony is kicked

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Chapter Twenty Three: In which Peony is Sent to the Couch (le gasp!)

Disclaimer: Inuyoshie does not own Tales of the Abyss. All attempts to sue Inuyoshie will result in getting yaoi thrown in the faces of lawyers. Indeed.

After 10 minutes of looking, Peony was confused.

After 15 minutes of looking, Peony was annoyed.

After 20 minutes of looking, Peony was worried.

Then, he went to his room to try and relax. He needed to cuddle Jade. (The rappig. Down yaoi fan girls, down. That means you…)

What awaited Peony on the other side of his door was completely unexpected.

Nicole was on his bed, curled up around a pillow with several rappigs snoozing around her. One rested its snout on Nicole's shoulder and another squeaked lightly in its sleep. The scene was completely ador-

"Eh?" Nicole lifted her head sleepily, blinking. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"…it's my room," Peony replied. "Although I wouldn't mind you sleeping in my bed as long –"

"Nu uh. You're sleeping on the couch," Nicole shook her head.

"Um, wha-"

"You. Couch. Now."

"We're not even in a relationship! You can't just kick me to the couch! Well… unless you-"

"Go away."

Peony sighed. "But-"

"No."

"You're meaner than Jade!" Peony whined.

"Good," Nicole snuggled the pillow, turning away from Peony. Peony sighed again. Well… she did look cute like that… and it was his bed… Peony sauntered over to his bed and was just about to sit on it when Nicole sat up and nonchalantly walked out.

"Y-you can't just walk away!" Peony exclaimed.

Nicole kept on walking.

She made it back to her room and saw a pale rappig on her bed. In a fit of annoyance Nicole drop kicked it outside, its squeals ringing through the night.

Then Nicole went back to sleep, deciding that Peony's bed was squishier.

After a cat nap, Nicole's body reminded her that she hadn't had dinner. Loudly.

"Fuck you, "she muttered to her stomach (actually it's her small intestine but that isn't the point) Nicole rose and stalked off to find the kitchen.

That was surprisingly easy, considering how large Peony's castle is. Nicole just followed the scent of cloves. Ironically, cloves taste good with ham…

Nicole stepped into the dark kitchen silently, fumbling around for fixings for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (and a baseball bat).

"Fuckin' a," Nicole swore when she saw the empty jell jar on the counter. She then turned and saw Peony leaning on a counter, in front of a window so the moonlight drenched his unfairly sexy chest (which lacked a shirt I should add) Peony's eyes seemed to glimmer dangerously and a sly smirk stretched across his face. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich sat between his fingers tantalizingly, but it took Nicole a few minutes to notice it.

"Hello there… was there something you wanted?" Peony asked lightly.

"You used the last of the jelly," Nicole accused.

"My castle, my country, my jelly, "Peony replied.

"I was damn hungry!"

"Well then you should have come to my 'gay ass dinner party," Peony replied calmly.

"He quoted me exactly…"

"Yep,"

"Should've known, " Nicole sighed. Peony kept his eyes on the violent teenager, still smirking.

"So… you're hungry?" he asked.

"Yeah," Nicole nodded.

"Well, come and-" Nicole jumped at Peony before he could even finish his sentence. Peony leaned back onto the counter, his eyes wide. Nicole grabbed the sandwich and nommed on one corner of it. She blinked down at Peony, who she had pinned against the corner.

"Aggressive," he remarked, a smirk breaking the shocked look on his face. Nicole ripped off of a sandwich and glared down at Peony.

"In your dreams, Your Highness," she growled, stalking out.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter rap break

Kaiba: I will pay you any amount of money for you not to rap here.

Inu: Dude! Get your rich ass out of here!

Guy: Wait, why does Emperor Peony get to have a random sexy scene in it? He's barely been introduced to the person he's going to be paired with and they're already at it!

Inu: Like rabbits…

Jade: *sighs* Young people…

Guy: … Peony is as old as you are.

Dakota: I believe we covered this in a previous chapter. Peony is a friggin' old man.

Nicole: But he looks like a twenty year old underwear model! What the hell?

Aja: Yeah, I mean, I can't see him drinking blood like Jade does…

Maddie: It's the rappigs. That's what keeps Emperor Peony looking so young.

Jade: …That would not surprise me.

Dakota: See? It's all the rappigs…

Chloe: Nicole, how would you know what an underwear model looks like?

Nicole: Simple. They look like Peony.

Aja: Hard to argue with that logic.

Kaiba: Ahem- my screen time?

Dakota: What screen time? It's not like you're awesome or anything.

Kaiba: But I'm a rich asshole!

Nicole: Really? Lemme get my gun…

Maddie: Make art not-

Nicole: Fuck art! *shoots gun*

Kaiba: Ha! My money protects me!

Nicole: … O-o

Maddie: *sighs heavily* Wow.

Inu: Why do YGOTAS people keep on showing up?

Aja: It's foreshadowing about what will happen later.

Dakota: Jaah.

Inu: I guess.

Aja: Next chapter?

Inu: Oh yes. In Which Peony Dies.

Jade: Oh dear.

Chloe: That's…

Ulquiorra: Yes?

Chloe: That's what she said!

Inu: … right, okay. Review?


	24. Chapter 24: In Which Peony Dies

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Inuyoshie does not own Tales of the Abyss. Her younger sister does.

Chapter 24: In Which Peony dies

"Where's Saphir?" Peony wailed, running around his rappig room searching.

"S-Saphir?" Dakota snickered.

"Yes! Her babies miss her!" Peony exclaimed.

"Babies? I thought Saphir was male," Dakota remarked Jade sighed.

"His Majesty named a female rappig 'Saphir' by accident," he explained.

"Aah. Mistaken gender," Maddie nodded wisely. "Sexing rappigs looks difficult; they all look the same,"

"That is true. That's why they are rarely neutered- in the case that the wrong gender is operated on," Jade nodded.

"Indeed-"

"Okay you two, enough geek babble! Help me find Saphir!" Peony exclaimed.

"But they all look the same," Maddie pointed out. "Really1"

"No! Saphir is adorable, pale and kinda skinny," Peony exclaimed. Dakota shook his head with a sigh. Nicole walked in sleepily.

"Wha?"

"Saphir's gone!" Peony whined.

"Who?"

"Rappig. Pale and skinny," Maddie summed up.

"Oh. I drop-kicked it I think," she replied.

"…"

"…"

"H-h-how could you drop kick something so cute? Even Jade's not that mean!" Peony exclaimed.

"…Please tell me you're not going to arrest her and assign me as her parole officer," Jade complained. "This old man can only handle one hoodlum at a time,"

"I'm not a hoodlum!" Maddie complained. "I'm just a pacifist with slightly violent tendencies!"

"So what does that make me, a pacifist with more than slightly violent tendencies?" Nicole asked.

"…No, you're just crazy. Where did you kick the pig?" Dakota asked.

"Into a butcher shop –"

Peony made an odd choking noise and fell down.

"Nicole! You gave the emperor a heart attack!" Maddie exclaimed.

"Good job," Dakota approved.

"Uh, who knows CPR?" Nicole asked.

"I think we all do…"

"Just have Jade zap him," Dakota suggested.

"Yeah, like one of those zappy things," Maddie nodded.

"They're called 'difibulators' Maddie, if you're going into medicine-"

"Whatever. Zappy thing sounds better," Maddie grumbled.

"Um, he's not moving guys… quit talking and do something!" Nicole exclaimed. "He's dying!" She rushed over and cleared Peony's airway, desperately asking if he was okay. "Please don't make me do CPR please… fuckin ay he's not breathing!" Nicole pressed her mouth to his to perform rescue breaths. AS she did so, Peony snapped awake. Jade sighed heavily and shook his head.

"MMHPMGPH!" Nicole exclaimed, pulling back with a red face. Peony was gasping for air and smirking, a talent he has honed over the years.

"Ah, the old pretending to have a heart attack trick," Jade remarked, nodding. He's seen it all.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU PANSY!" Nicole roared.

"But my name's Peony," Peony corrected cheerfully. Nicole glared down at him.

"I was worried! And besides, since you're not man enough to try and kiss me under normal circumstances-!" Nicole paused, frowning at the wistful look on Peony's face. "Oh fuck, I actually offended you, didn't I?"

Just then, Luke, Guy, Tear, Anise, Ion (wearing slightly more masculine clothes) and our remaining lovely protagonists burst in.

"We need to get going to Kimlasca, they've practically declared war!"

INSERT BREAK HERE OR DIE.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter Vuvuzela

Aja: I want one.

Dakota: I expressly forbid anyone from giving Aja a Vuvuzela. If you do, I will shoot you with Nicole's guns.

Aja: T-T

Inu: Dude, Vuvuzela sounds like a sex toy or something.

Maddie: Everything sounds like a sex toy to you.

Inu: No! Everything can be made into an innuendo. Not a sex toy.

Maddie: Oh. I'm so glad you've enlightened me.

Chloe: You haven't been talking about me recently. *pouts*

Inu: True. You'll get a big part in chapter 26.

Chloe: Really? Cool!

Inu: Yaah. You get to molest people

Chloe: XD

Aja: And next chapter is called In Which The Tartarus Is Infiltrated.

Jade: … Dear me.


	25. Chapter 25:In Which the Tartarus is

Abyssal Armageddon (Survived it!)

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of the Abyss. So take THAT and shove it up where the sun don' shine!

Chapter 25: In Which the Tartarus is Infiltrated

"Conspicuous. Do you know what that means?"

Dist glared at Asch, his eyes flashing.

"You convinced me to get rid of my Kaiser (so now we're defenseless) and you're still harping on my inconspicuousness?" Dist hissed as he and Asch stalked down the streets of Grand Chokmah.

"The fact that's we're 'defenseless' because you don't have a walking hunk of metal is sad," Asch grumbled. Dist twitched at the rude terms Asch used to describe his precious Kaiser Dist, and then noticed that they were passing the Tartarus II. Just as our favourite protagonists were stepping on.

"Why the hell are they coming?" Luke was whining.

"Well, Madeline has to come with me," jade replied calmly.

"And wherever she goes, we tag along," Aja added.

"I mean, why let Maddie have all the fun?" Chloe asked.

"And I HAVE to watch Nicole offend as many people as possible," Dakota added.

"Damn straight. Also, now I can tease Maddie about her BDSM fetish- "

"What!" Maddie squeaked.

Luke began complaining and everyone tuned him out.

"Come on genius, we're infiltrating that ship," Asch announced, grabbing Dist by his girly collar and sneaking onto the ship with surprising ease. (Either Asch is a ninja, Jade needs to hire better guards or the authouress is bending reality again. Who knows?) Dist grumbled in complaint but complied.

"Why are you complaining? Now you can stalk Jade all you want," Asch remarked, holding out a soldier's uniform for Dist to wear one they were on board.

"Well first of all, a fabulous man such as me should not be denigrated to have to wear such an ugly uniform-"

"Why should that-"

"And second, I do not spend all of my time stalking Jade; I merely wish to make him acknowledge me. If I stalked him, that would imply I have a romantic interest in him, which contrary to popular belief, I don't,"

Asch paused after Dist finished his rant, and then snorted.

"Whatever princess," Asch shrugged, walking off.

"Grr! This is definitely going in my Revenge Journal!" Dist seethed.

"Revenge Journal? Really, you actually have one Saphir?"

Dist froze.

Inuyoshie's after the chapter special.

Inu: That was short. OH well. I'm selling Revenge Journals.

Aja: … what?

Dakota: You can write down all the stuff tha pisses you off in them, and then you can plot out your revenge. It really soothes the nerves.

Chloe: How do you know?

Dakota: Because if it didn't, Dist would be an emotional wreck by now.

Jade: Too late.

Dakota: True.

Dist: Grr you all are mocking me!

Nicole: Brilliant deduction dip shit.

Maddie: At least we're not talking about your sexuality.

Jade: *sighs* For once. You young people seem fixated on that.

Aja: Or passing around yaoi. *droops*

Jade: Another thing you young people fixate on.

Maddie: Welcome to a fan girl's mind.

Inu: It's terrifying. I'd know, I have one.

Aja: Don't we all, don't we all.

Guy: What's that supposed to mean?

Chloe: Simple: Everybody has an inner fan girl.

Dakota: … everybody?

Guy: Even Asch?

Chloe: Yes, even Asch.

Asch: *twitches*

Chloe: Come on; embrace your inner fan girl Asch! Embrace it!

Asch-O: … you all disturb me.

Aja: Whatever you say Asch-o.

Asch-O: What did you just call me?

Aja: Dude, it's on your script.

Asch-O: *looks* Inuyoshie, I shall kill you.

Inu: Hehe… anyways, next chapter, In Which Asch Is Molested-

Asch-O: WHAT! *proceeds to maim Inuyoshie*

Chloe: See you all then~


	26. Chapter 26:In which Asch gets molested

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Asch needs happy pills.

Chapter 26: In Which Asch is Molested.

"Uuhg! You're so annoying!"

Chloe frowned at Luke, and sat on the rail of the Tartarus.

"Why?" she asked.

"Why? Why? You're asking me why you're annoying. You're like Meiu only in human form! You've even got the fire breathing thing!" Luke seethed. "Why do you lot have to come to Kimlasca anyways!"

"Well Maddie-"

"At last Maddie's harmless!" Luke snapped. "You'll probably blow us all up!"

"I would not!" Chloe retorted, getting frustrated.

"Wanna bet?" Luke demanded. Chloe glared at him and stalked off.

(Meanwhile on the bridge, Maddie face palmed.

"Luke's being a dumbass and aggravating Chloe again…"

"Ah. How problematic," Jade nodded.)

While Luke was being a dick, Asch was looking for a conspicuous disguise. Then, he decided 'Why pretend to be a soldier when I could pretend to be the dreck who's pretending to be me?'

Aka: He dressed up like Luke.

So Luke stormed off into his room just as Asch dressed as Luke (I can't call him the fake Luke because technically Luke is the fake Luke…er…) stalked onto the balcony where Chlo9e was seething, a few little balls of fire floating around her. Chloe spun around and saw Asch (Luke? This is confusing) and narrowed her eyes.

"What do you want/" she demanded. Asch blinked. It was obvious Chloe was feeling volatile, and her feeling volatile probably meant that everyone on the bloody ship would all die.

"… To apologize," he blurted. "I was… a real dreck back there,"

(Asch was able to improvise this because Luke was ALWAYS being a dreck)

Chloe stared, then glomped Asch who staggered back with wide eyes. Chloe decided during her glomp that Luke may be a dick, but he has a nummeh body.

Asch does not notice this molestation but felt a strange feeling on his chest when Chloe unglomped him. He glanced at the now swirling balls of fire with interest (some kind of art? Dist is definitely a freak) (A/N: …?)

By the time Asch looked back to Chloe she was gone, skipping down a hall of the Tartarus with her balls of fire bouncing cheerily after her. Asch shrugged and moved on, trying to scope out the locations of all of the people of interest.

Meanwhile, Chloe ran into Luke

"Oh hi Luke… how did you…? Never mind. Thanks for the apology!" Chloe giggled.

"Apology? What apology? Crazy… " Luke muttered rudely. "You should apologize to me for being so annoying!"

Chloe's balls of fire swirled irately and she stalked off, pissed.

(Meanwhile on the bridge, Maddie frowned.

"Luke is still being an ass," she remarked."

"You're surprised by this…?" Jade pointed out.

"True.")

Asch was walking when he got grabbed by Guy and pulled into a pointless discussion about Princess Natalia. At least Asch had a vague idea as to what Guy was talking about (but Natalia had really turned bitchy in the past seven years. Then again, Asch had gotten really emo in the past seven years…). Aja was there too, day dreaming.

Then Chloe came in.

"Luke you ass!" she seethed angrily, a wreath of flames swirling around her body. Asch paled.

"Luke, what did you do now?" Guy demanded.

"Uh-" Asch blanched. It irritated him to act like a dreck. Especially to a lady… Asch's noble instincts had a nasty tendency to crop up at times. They made being an emo prick difficult. "I didn't know it was you-"

"Bullshit. You called me crazy and told me to apologize to you for being crazy!" Chloe exclaimed angrily.

"I wasn't thinking!" Asch blurted, trying to cover his ass. "And-"

"And I thought you were starting to be nice!" Chloe burst out, tears forming in her eyes. Asch internally face palmed. He hated it when girls cried… he put a hand on Chloe's shoulder, looking serious.

"I've been behaving oddly lately." He told her in a rather un-Luke/ un-Asch-like manner. Chloe blinked at Asch.

"O-okay," she nodded, buying it. "I guess I'll give you some space then," Chloe backed off and left.

On her way down the hall to her room Chloe saw Luke yelling at Meiu. She realized that Luke had blonde tips on his hair for the very first time.

Aja suddenly turned to Asch and burst out laughing.

(Meanwhile on the bridge, Maddie frowned.

"Something is wrong… Chloe's acting all weird around Luke," she remarked.

"Weird?" Jade remarked from the helm.

"Some of the time she's totally furious at him, and then he'll apologize and she'll feel all happy… it's like there are two Lukes!" she murmured.

"Yes, there are," Jade nodded calmly.

"What, did someone clone Luke or something?" Maddie demanded.

"…"

"… You know what… don't answer that," Maddie sighed. "I should know not to ask by now."

"Indeed," Jade glanced at one of the security cameras with a quirked brow. "Oh dear…"

Inuyoshie's after the chapter gumbo shizzle yum.

Dist: You! You left a cliffhanger with the gorgeous me in it and then spent this chapter talking about some reject replica!

Guy: Wait- wha?

Inu: Quit giving out spoilers or I shall humiliate you!

Dakota: *reads ahead*Too late!

Inu: True.

Dist: WHAAAT?

Inu: *sighs* He'll survive. After all he-

All: *recites boredly* 'has the tenacity of a cockroach'

Jade: Well, it seems that I have made an impact on these youngsters!

Inu: … true. We need to think of something more creative to describe Dist. Immortal?

Dakota: Non, that's too cool.

Dist: Well I like it.

Aja: True. And then to kill him, just have another immortal confront him!

Nicole: Alucard?

Inu: No… *puts a Twinkie in front of Dist* There.

Dist: … *pokes the Twinkie, monologues for fifteen minutes and then eats it* Ha! I have defeated your immortal champion!

Jade: … *face palms*

Everybody else: *face palms*

Inu: Well then. Next chapter.

Aja: In Which Dist Gets Sexed Up.

Dist: … *grabs throat, chokes and dies*

Dakota: Food poisoning. Nice.

Jade: He'll be back. After all-

All: NOOO!

Jade: *shrugs* He's just annoying like that.


	27. Chapter 27: In Which Dist is sexed up

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: I don't own a spell check. Wait…

Chapter 27: In Which Dist gets Sexed Up~ yeah.

"Hello, Saphir," Dakota said casually. Dist whirled around, startled.

"H-how-"

"I know a lot about you," Dakota replied creepily.

"…" Dist blinked at Dakota, and then shook his head. "Nope, Jade does it better,"

Dakota scowled.

"I wasn't' trying to be like Jade-"

"Excuse me? Who isn't, I mean, Jade is beastly," Dist cut Dakota off, using that odd inflection of his that can make any statement sound oddly sexual.

"That sounded sooo wrong," Dakota remarked. Dist flushed and glared at Dakota.

"You have a dirty mind!" he exclaimed. "We're not like that! I just… think he's beastly, that's all!"

"Right… well, we'll see just how beastly he is when he finds out you're on his ship," Dakota remarked.

"You can't tell on me!" Dist exclaimed.

"…why not?" Dakota asked.

"Well for one thing, I'm your creator! And for another thing, you're my creation-"

"That's the same thing," Dakota pointed out.

"SHUT UP~"

"Sorry, just pointing out plot holes," Dakota shrugged. "And I'm not your creation,"

"Yes you are! I built a machine, pressed a button and you popped out, making you my creation!" Dist ranted.

"No, you crated a machine that tore a hole in space and time through the dimensions and decided to grab us. We were all created the proper way in a bedroom…er… car? Couch…"

"That can't be!" Dist cut Dakota off, red faced. "You all have weird abilities! Like you- how did you get into this room? I'm standing in front of the only way out!" Dist pointed triumphantly at the door in front of him. Dakota blinked.

"Oh dear," he remarked. "That's weird,"

'You mean you didn't know that you can… walk through walls?" Dist remarked.

"Well… no," Dakota shook his head. "None of us know,"

"Then does that not lend itself to the fact that you all are my creations?" Dist demanded.

"Wow… you just made yourself sound really smart there," Dakota remarked.

"Of course I did, I'm a genus!" Dist cried. "So you all are my-"

"If I was your creation then why do I have memories of my life in a different dimension which includes me playing Tales of the Abyss and learning about you all?" Dakota wanted to know. Dist blinked, speechless. "Now while I have you attention I'm going to make you a proposition,"

"Oh?" Dist inquired.

"You do whatever I say and I won't tell Jade you're on board," Dakota replied smugly.

"Feh. Jade probably already knows," Dist snorted.

"Actually, he's locked inside a room with a sweet underage girl," Dakota pointed out. "Alone,"

"Jade would never-"

"They've got handcuffs," Dakota added. Dist reddened.

"T-that's just wrong," he remarked.

"And she likes black leather-"

"Stop it!"

"And she has a BDSM fet-"

"Okay okay I'll do it just stop!" Dist whined.

"Excellent," Dakota nodded, pulling out a poufy Lolita dress he stole from Aja. "Put it on and make me a sammich,"

"WHAAT?" Dist screeched.

"Jade. Indignation. BDSM." Dakota pointed out.

"Rr… I hate you," Dist grumbled, snatching the dress out of Dakota's hands. "Turn around,"

Dakota complied, giggling.

"You are such a girl-"

"I AM NOT!" Dist promptly threw a leather shoe at Dakota who simply let it phase through his head.

"I want a sammich. A chicken sammich."

(Meanwhile on the bridge…

"Purple is surprisingly decent on him," Jade remarked blandly.

"Black would look better," Maddie added.

"Yes, but then he'd be so pale he'd glow," Jade pointed out.

"True. But with a sleeker, form fitting dress that would look cool… possibly even sexy," Maddie remarked calmly. Jae glanced at her, then at the handcuffs, and then smirked.

"So…"

"I do NOT have a BDSM fetish!"

"Alright then, no need to get so defensive…)

Inuyoshie's after the chapter jam session

Inu: Yeah. Not much to say here.

Dist: I will find a way to kill you.

Inu: They all say that.

Grimmjow: It's true. We've tried.

Aja: Hehe. Next chapter?

Inu: In which Asch is Bloody.

Asch: Damn straight.


	28. Chapter 28: In Which Asch is Bloody

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: IF I owned Tales of the Abyss, you'd think I'd update more often, ne?

Chapter 28: IN Which Asch Is Bloody

"Good job Princess,"

"Don't call me that!" Dist napped, sitting in a huff on a box while Dakota munched happily on his chicken sammich. "I will have my revenge!"

"That's what they all say," Asch remarked.

"Well at least I'm not dressed up like a reject! And I think I pull off purple very well thank you," Dist retorted with a flick of his hair.

"HE does," Dakota agreed between bites.

"Can't you just kill him?" Asch demanded.

"No! He's a unique creation – I have to study him first! Dispel such barbaric thoughts from your mind!" Dist screeched indignantly.

"Wow, you're violent," Dakota remarked.

"Asch the Bloody," Asch stated.

"Oh. Right," Dakota nodded. "You do realize your disguise as Luke won't work around Nicole, she reads minds,"

"I just think dreck-y thoughts when I'm around her," Asch shrugged. "Besides, she's too busy moping,"

"Ah," Dakota nodded slowly, quirking a brow. "I wonder why? I'll have to ask Maddie… or Aja,"

"Is Aja the weird blonde one?" Asch asked. "She bursts out laughing whenever I'm around her,"

"She can see the future so-"

"She can see the future?" Dist exclaimed excitedly. "That could entirely illuminate the need for a Fon Master, and an order of… oh." Dist paused. "That girl could singlehandedly overthrow everything,"

"…she would too," Dakota sighed.

"Can we kill her?" Asch asked.

"No no, then you'd have all the others on your ass, and if nothing else Chloe is a walking blowtorch," Dakota remarked. "You'd die. Slowly and painfully. And Jade would poke your smoking corpse with a stick."

Asch narrowed his eyes but conceded. Chloe was scary.

"Well Dist, you're blending in real nicely," Asch remarked.

"Oh shove it." Dist growled.

"I mean really. Lilac ribbons really bring out your eyes," Asch snorted. Dist reddened more, and Dakota sighed.

"I would have put him in that dress Ion was looking molest able in but Dist is too big," Dakota sighed.

"You put Fon Master Ion in a dress?" Dist demanded, snickering.

"Arietta's going to kill you," Asch remarked, snerking slightly.

"So whom else have you placed in female clothes?" Dist wanted to know.

"Just you two. Luke's too squirmy, Guy would pass out from wearing something that a girl could wear, Meiu's too small and Jade would either kick my ass or not care," Dakota sighed.

"Or both," Asch added.

"True true," Dakota sighed. "I'm thirsty. Dist, get me milk,"

"Why you-"

"Tight leather pants," Dakota remarked. Dist twitched.

"Jade doesn't even own any tight leather pants," he pointed out.

"How do you know? Raided his room recently?" Dakota wanted to know. Dist narrowed his eyes.

"You are a bastard," he growled.

"Why thank you," Dakota smiled. "My milk…?"

Dist got up and stomped out.

Meanwhile, on the bridge…

"Dakota doesn't like skim milk. Who the hell even drinks skim milk? It's just white water for Pete's sake!" Maddie grumbled.

Jade (for once) had no comment.

Inuyoshie's Fabulous After the Chapter Ooh-La-La~

Inu: Yeah bitches, I'm back! With something I actually should be writing!

Aja: Oh no, I can't complain about all the Bleach Yaoi you've been writing.

Dakota: I can. I barely get any screen time!

Inu: You've got Dist obeying your every whim while dressed in a friggin' lilac Lolita dress. Seriously. By the way, ever heard of Karma?

Dakota: You mean Tale of the Abyss's awesome theme song? *air guitars to it*

Aja: No, it's Inu subtly telling you that mistreating Dist will bite you in the ass later on. And judging by how Inu writes, you'll friggin LIKE it.

Dakota: Eh?

Inu: Indeed, for in the future, you're gonna get it. My OCs are rarely seme.

Dakota: EH? *pales*

Aja: You're awesome Inu.

Inu: Yes, yes I am.

Dakota: Oh yeah? Then why can't you go one chapter without mentioning Jade?

Jade: *sighs* What can I say? It would seem people actually look forward to the presence of this old man…

Nicole: PEDOPHILE!

Inu: *droops* I can't seem to write Jade without SOMEONE calling him a pedophile.

Jade: *sighs*

Aja: Anyways. Next chapter.

Inu: Indeed. In Which Asch Feels Good.

Dakota: Is Jade in it?

Inu: He's mentioned within the first ten words.

Dakota: See? Hah!


	29. Chapter 29:In Which Asch feels good

Abyssal Armageddon

By Inuyoshie

Disclaimer: Yer Mom.

Chapter 29: In Which Asch Feels Good

Evening on the Tartarus was a relatively peaceful affair. Jade cooked, and our merry band of protagonists ate together nervously. Half of them passed out thirty minutes later.

(You do realize Jade, if I pass out you'll have to lug my unconscious body around," Maddie had remarked.

"Don't worry; I'm quite good at that. I've had lots of practice with Saphir," Jade replied cheerfully.)

Elsewhere, Ash leaned out over a railing, staring at the ocean around him. They were headed to Kimlasca. To his home. To the place where that dreck stole his place in the family. To the place Van-

"Hi!"

Asch jumped, turning to see Chloe leaning on the rail.

"H-hi how-"

"You're not Luke," Chloe stated.

"What do you mean I'm not-"

"What did Luke have to eat tonight?" Chloe asked.

"Beef-"

"Wrong. Jade made rappig, and Nicole felt sad, and you made fun of her and she almost shot your head off," Chloe told Asch coolly.

"Well-"

"AND Luke had blonde at the tip of his hair. Who the hell are you?" Chloe asked.

"I AM Luke von Fabre," Asch told Chloe coldly.

"Do you expect me to believe-"

"I am the original Luke, that dreck is nothing more than a reject replica that took everything from me," Asch snapped. Chloe blinked, and then turned and leaned on the rail.

"So… you just let him?" she asked after a few moments.

"What could I do? E's an exact clone of me!" Asch snapped.

"Oh." Chloe replied softly. "I'm so-"

"I don't want your pity," Asch growled. Chloe blinked, and then glomped him. "W-wh-what a-are you d-d-doing?"

"Hugs. They make everything better. Or give you cancer," Chloe mumbled. (Of course, the fact that Asch had a nummeh body had absolutely nothing to do with the hug right Chloe?)

Asch froze, not sure what to do/say. Finally, he opened his mouth.

"How do hugs solve anything?" he demanded.

"They make you smile," Chloe replied.

"Do I look like I'm smiling to you?" Asch wanted to know.

"Well… you're grumpy," Chloe pouted cutely. "Besides, hugs make you feel good!"

"They do?" Asch blinked.

"Yep," Chloe nodded. "So… now that you feel better, I'm going to go tell Jade about your existence,"

"He probably already knows… I mean, he can't be busy with a sweet underage girl who likes leather and BDSM all the time," Asch pointed out.

"Or maybe he can… I mean, Jade's in the freaking army. He's probably got a heckuva lot of endurance. I'll bet he could keep going and going-"

"That's just wrong." Asch remarked.

"We're all very dirty here," Chloe remarked.

"So is that why Dakota put Dist in a dress?" Asch wondered.

"He put who in a dress?" Chloe blinked.

"Dist. The Reaper? You know, flying chair, clunky machines, purple lipstick?" Asch prodded.

"I got nutin'," Chloe shook her head.

"He attacked you guys earlier," Asch remarked.

"All I remember from then was an ugly guy, dancing with you and a flying chair," Chloe shook her head again.

"Dist was IN the chair," Asch sighed.

"Really? I thought it was just flying itself," Chloe remarked. Asch paused, and then stared at Chloe in amazement.

"You're being completely serious, aren't you?" he asked.

"Yep," Chloe nodded. "So… why are you on here anyways?"

"Why do you think?" Asch retorted.

"You want our leather pants?" Chloe guessed.

"…you don't have any leather pants," Asch replied.

"How do you know?"

"…"

Inuyoshie's after the chapter Leather Pants

Inu: So many Little Kuriboh references…

Dakota: YEAH~ all we need is a children's card game and we're freaking set!

Aja: NO CHILDREN'S CARD GAMES!

Chloe: And yeah… what the hell was with breaking the fourth wall back there?

Dakota: Behold! The fourth wall! It crumbles around you!

Maddie: Dakota, you're not Melvin. Really.

Dakota: *droops*

Inu: Who says the after the chapter special has to be the only place I can break the fourth wall.

Maddie: And… what's with all the sexual innuendos about Jade? I mean really… -/-

Inu: He's simply a sexy beast. And besides, you don't see him denying any of it.

Jade: *blinks calmly* Yes?

Inu: See? There we go.

Aja: So… next chapter?

Inu: Yes. In Which Something Pertinent Actually Happens!

Jade: Finally, some plot…

Inu: Meh. Whatever sexbomb.

Jade: *shrugs* can't have an entire story based off of sexual jokes.

Inu: Have you read half of the yaoi on the internet? Seriously…


End file.
